8 hrs sleep: So refreshed
6 hrs: Feeling fine
4 hrs: I will rip your head off for a minor transgression
2 hrs: Why is my boss a Minotaur
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[making out]
her: did u bring protection
me: yes
her: where is it
me: hey Frank
[voice from under bed] yeah boss?
“Always give your food a rinse before you eat it,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made terrible sandwiches.
I’m not saying it would kill me to work out, I’m just saying my wife bought me a gym membership and doubled my life insurance…
How are birds so simultaneously beautiful and annoying as heck?!
I aspire to be birds
So I had self diagnosed back problems and went to check out orthopedic mattresses. I would like to testify that the price tag healed me.
If you introduce yourself as Sal, just know that I will be disappointed when you reveal that’s NOT short for Salami
4yo: Raise your hand if you are young
Me: *raises hand
4yo: No, daddy, not you.
[Me getting cut off in traffic]
GET OFF YOUR PHONE AND WATCH WHERE YOU’RE GOING!
[Notices USMC sticker]
AND THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE!
*Batman happily approaches Batmobile*
Wife: Forget it, Bruce! We have two car seats & need to go to Costco.
*Defeatedly gets in Batvan*
You deplete me
[death row]
Guard: Any last words?
Me: [smugly] photosynthesis.
Guard: …
Me: it sounded longer in my head.
Technology promised us hoverboards but delivered e-scooters.
Baby bump? That’s a McRib bump.
MAKE Easter easier by replacing the ‘t’ with an ‘i’.
Register for a new blender on your baby registry. It drowns out the crying and makes margaritas. You’re welcome.
Went to see my doctor today and apparently drinking mimosas are not considered a juice cleanse.
Jfc.
astronaut: houston come in
houston: this had better be important
astronaut: it’s urgent
houston: fine what
astronaut: [drinking soda out of the air] rootbeer float
“Hot damn!” – the Nazi’s probably after their dams were destroyed.
I don’t know; I’m not a historian. It’s just an educated guess.
I see that your IQ test came back negative.
Mom was disappointed there were no fights on her flight. I gave her some tips for the return flight.
My son came home for spring break with all clean clothes and doesn’t need me to do his laundry and I am just so very, very confused.
Cleaned out my car yesterday, it only took me 15 years.
Of course, because I’m wearing a white shirt, my coffee chose violence.
The only reason we have different time zones is because if everyone was sleeping at the same time, the aliens would make off with our stuff
Someone just got sent home for having a meltdown. I’ve never been so jealous of a coworker in my life.
Co-worker: What’s the difference between astronomy & astrology?
Me: Approximately 50-60 IQ points.
All of my passwords are the names of various “Friends” characters. Except for Ross. I’ve never used Ross. Not after what he did to Rachel.
My favorite thing to say to old people is, “When I was your age I didn’t believe in reincarnation either”.
Them: how are you?
Me: anxiety riddled and cute as a button… but like, a button that’s been at the bottom of a sewing bag since your grandma was in home ec
Sometimes I think we are capable of great things as a species, but then I notice how many people can’t put their shopping cart away.