How do you pay an electrician? You wire them the money.
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ME: Ok, I’m sorry I played my banjo during the wedding ceremony.
WIFE: It was OUR wedding ceremony.
“No thanks, I’m vegan,” is apparently not funny when someone hands you a baby. 🤭
Masseuse: happy ending?
Me: oh yeah*20 minutes later
Masseuse: …and then Tom Hanks shows up in the park and yells the dog’s name, and Meg Ryan just knows he’s the one she loved all along…
Me: OMG their love is so pure 😭
[really awkward birthday party]
FIRST EVER PERSON TO SING HAPPY BIRTHDAY: [takes deep breath]
my right thumb literally just snarled at my other nine fingers and said, “you have no idea how much more work i do than any of you spoiled brats”
If Bear Grylls married Chuck E. Cheese they would be the Grylls-Cheese family.
Shake what your momma gave you.
*shakes unemployed brother*
niece: Diamond earrings!?
[flashback to me, drunk, wrapping presents]
me: Oh shit
Man Hoping People Notice How Many Folding Chairs He’s Carrying At Once
The new $100 bills are insane. A purple stripe, the hologram thingy, the Ben Franklin that says “kill, kill, kill” as his eyes swirl…
ME: [spotting Diane across the room] Diane!
ANNE: ARE YOU THREATENING ME?!
“Dad, can you explain the eclipse to me?”
“No sun.”
Looking through 15’s yearbook:
Me: you’d crack up looking at my high school yearbook from 1995.
8: did they have color pictures back then?
😒
WIFE: If you embarrass me in public again, I’m leaving you
[Single Ladies comes on the jukebox]
ME: *rising to my feet* Well, we had a good run
is there anything more psychotic than the self-imposed deadline. why am i bullying myself then in turn standing up to my bully (who is me) by not doing the work i know i want to get done but i refuse to be bullied (by me) so i will purposefully miss the deadline (that is fake)
If the interviewer doesn’t think it’s cool when you pull a quarter out of his ear, the job wasn’t good enough for you anyways.
*Unexpected item in the bagging area*
Me: Well what item exactly WERE you expecting?
I dinated blood today. I have typo blood.
Sometimes I’ll stop the treadmill at the gym and run in place. When people ask me what I’m doing, I’ll say, “Pretend stoplight.”
[driving]
ME: Can I have some of your fries?
SON: No.
ME: *hits brakes*
[fries go flying]
ME: Now nobody has fries.
“Sandwich artist” is a bit pretentious sir when you’re actually a subcontractor.
*turns my phone upside down like a tip and strip pen*
Everyone naked?
The recipe blogs that have the “jump to recipe” button are the real winners
Daughter: dad, will you sign up for the fun run?
Me: I don’t understand your question. Those words don’t belong together.
How is the witch who imprisoned children that were eating her house the bad guy of the story?
(6yo student hugging me first thing in the morning, head against my jacket)
Me: You were absent yesterday. Were you sick?
6yo: No, I had lice.
All mushrooms are edible. Some only once.
Call all your previous ones relationsinks.
cats have two bladders: a normal one and an emergency one only for use right after you change their litter box