husband: when is [5]’s birthday
me: same as your mom’s
husband: *blank stare*
You Might Also Like
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, Ma’am.
Scissors Commercial:
*Montage of people karate chopping paper in half*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better… Nevermind that was rad
him: can you pour me a glass of wine
me: there’s only enough left for me
him: there’s a whole bottle
me: yes
What happens in Vegas will most likely cost you a fortune in dry cleaning.
Tried to sneakily put my 5-year-old to bed an hour early because I was exhausted, figuring I could get away with it because it was cloudy and dark outside. Little dude looked me dead in the eye and, “Alexa, what time is it?”
I like that they snuck the word “strum” right in the middle of “instrument”
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
If you think Floyd Mayweather vs. Logan Paul is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just spent $50 to watch it.
Me *tearing up as my bride walks down the aisle on our wedding day*
Priest:
Me:
Priest: Look she might come back
Normal stickers: I peel off easy.
Stickers on things you buy: lol stop it that tickles.
Halloween gig memory. Playing a nursing home. A lady in a wheelchair started inching forward; about two feet per song. She made it to the front of the stage, smiled and gestured for the microphone. I gave it to her. She yelled, as loud as she could, “GO HOOOOOOOME.” Show over!
Me: I’m telling you this place is haunted, I’ve seen ghosts in here!
Roommate: Listen, I’ve lived here for 285 years and I’ve never seen a ghost.
If you’re like me, you woke up this morning with your vision MIRACULOUSLY CURED because you left your contacts in overnight.
I’m not lazy
Nothing more humiliating than sending a text message with a picture and the picture doesn’t send for ages and now you’ve said something sooo odd out of context
Do not steal food from the science building!
The next time there’s an awkward silence, try whispering, “Did you forget your line?”
“Are you an adult?”
Yeah, but not like on purpose or anything
On the phone with my therapist and she is clearly going through the McDonalds drive through 😓
Guy: I want to be more than friends
Me: like business owners?
It’s almost Mother’s Day.
Big shout out to the hamsters that eat their young.
Hey beauty brands who make face creams. 30ml is only enough for an ant’s face.
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious, firey car crashes.
Ah yes, time for the biannual gaslighting of the cat, in which I slowly shift meals by 15 minutes at a time for two weeks in a ritual that is both mystifying and infuriating for him.
one of my favorite Halloween memories was trick or treating and a very stoned dude in his 20’s opened the door and was like “oh man I forgot it was today. Let me see if I have anything for you” and then I hear him going through his pantry and he goes “do you like soup”
When I was little, my mom would read my fortune cookie. It would say things like, “Never lie about brushing your teeth or they will fall out,” or “Don’t play with Hanna, she’s not a nice girl,” or “Tomorrow you’re getting shots, don’t cry.”
#LiesYourParentsToldYou
Who decided that a clown popping suddenly out of a metal box would be a good toy for young children?
My middle schooler called me “mid” and I’ve gotta be honest, not a fan of having to google something before deciding how offended I am.
Me: Can I get a sick note?
Doctor: Here u go.
Me:
Note: *coughs*