[After 2 glasses of chocolate milk] Toys are so awesome. And bedtime isn’t even real
[5 glasses of chocolate milk] I’ll probably never get cooties…
[8 glasses of chocolate milk] I Can Do Any Subtraction Problem
You Might Also Like
3yo: Let’s have a discussion.
Me: OK, about what?
3yo: About why your hair looks like a rat slept in it. If I have to brush my hair, you do too.
50% of mariachi bands end in divorciachi.
[Victora’s Secret]
Wife: You’re the most supportive person I know.
*A person made of bras walks by*
Me: Um what about that guy?
Just saw a guy sitting with a Blackberry and a newspaper. I think he was waiting for a horse.
banking website: thank you for your transfer as a reminder the total you can move between accounts in any one given business day is $1,000,000
me, sitting on a milk crate in a studio apt i share with two other guys: ok
“I’m going to make a great mother one day” I whisper to myself as I catch my burrito mid-fall and only a single bean spills out
Hate freeloaders who join in the New Year’s Eve countdown for the last 10 seconds. I’ve been doing this all year. Where were you back in May
I love how the cat trips me when I’m trying to refill his water bowl so that I get a water all over both of us, but then HE glares at ME.
ME: [repeatedly trying, and failing, to film a successful water bottle flip]
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: experts project extinction for this species
DR DOG: *applying a cast to a broken bone* Are you sure you don’t just want me to cut it off?
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
My favorite Bible stories are where women are villains for things like picking fruit or getting their boyfriend a better haircut.
Was dating this chick whose cat used to poop in her tub all the time. I only did it once and she broke up with me. WTF?
becoming a doctor so i can hit my enemies with a little hammer
When I was 12 I found a document on our family computer with my name on it where my mom wrote that I was “witty, which can be irritating” like damn lady name that document taxes2001 or something.
Someone taught my daughter how to craft 3D snowflakes and now she’s made so many that the inside of my home looks like it was in the path of an avalanche.
Guys, please recycle. We wanna leave a better world for Betty White when we’re gone.
How many birds do you think you could have on you before you’d panic
[preparing for a date]
me: what if she kisses me
roommate: you kiss her back, bro
me: ok
me: *thinking* but why her back though
detective: he’s been poisoned. the proof is in the pudding
me: *face absolutely covered in chocolate* wait it’s where
You know shit’s about to get real when I put on yoga pants before dessert.
I spray Lysol on Tide Pods before I eat them. Double protection!
Sometimes you gotta go all Shakespeare on a bitch. Remove thy undergarments hastily, unless ye wisheth me to release seed upon thine eyes.
Asked my wife if I was going to get a “tip” for driving her around today.
She laughed and laughed.
Apparently so hard, she got a headache.
[Our sex tape gets leaked]
Wife: Now do you believe me that you snore?
“help us improve instagram” nice try fix your own damn website.
likes 853 pics in your media, don’t make this awkward boo.
If you want to look mysterious I would suggest painting your cornea with a sharpie. Always works for me.
When you ask your waiter for an extra pickle, don’t wink. It can easily be misinterpreted.
[picks up hitchhiker]
“Hope ur not a mass murderer. Haha”Actually I am.
“WHAT”
APRIL FOOLS!
“Whew”
I’m technically a serial killer.