Whenever I draw or paint anything I say look what my kids did when they were toddlers
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When I was little, I did not care about things like what to wear. My parents dressed me.
Looking back at some of my old pictures, it鈥檚 obvious my parents didn鈥檛 care either.
I jack off in the shower using only L鈥橭r茅al conditioner. Why? Because I鈥檓 worth it.
friend: what day is it today
me: it’s mar 10
friend: like mario!
me: itsa mar 10
“You look tired”
Well you’re crap at compliments.
ME: *moistens lips with tongue*
DENTIST: don鈥檛 ever do that to me again
Me: *To my 5YO* Can I have your Twix? Those were my favorite at your age.
5YO: They used to make Twix when the world first started?
My kids have the tuition bills of the children of a much wealthier father.
[paying at chipotle]
ME: i got a burrito
CLERK: that’ll be ten dollars
ME: with guac
CLERK: that’ll be ten thousand dollars
Me: One coffee please.
Barista: Name for the cup?
Me: Umm Cuppy McSip.
What rank in the military do you need to get to before they let you be fat?
“Aimee, could you please mute your phone?”
(me on a conference call making roaring noises while I play with my plastic pterodactyl)
Do I hope that my toddler grows up to be an intelligent and fully-functioning member of society? Yes. Do I also hope that he’s still trying to inflate a balloon by holding it two inches in front of his face and blowing toward the hole? Hell yes.
*Brings 8 year old back to hospital nursery with receipt*
This one doesn’t listen anymore…Can I get a new one?
Ladies, how often do you exfoliate? I do weekly then a soothing serum and now that the boys aren’t reading anymore, are we still doing that thing where we say no holiday gifts, then act disappointed. lol I can’t stop laughing ok be cool be cool. And finish up with a night cream
When you鈥檙e feeling frisky and shaved up to your knee.
Toddlers are like wordle, you only get so many tries to figure out what word they’re trying to say
What has 15 actors, 4 settings, 2 writers and 1 plot line?
632 Hallmark Christmas movies.
Just found Elf on the Shelf in the bottom of my lingerie drawer. This explains so many things
HR says I’m not allowed to scream “OH GOD IT BURNS MAKE IT STOP” when I walk through the front door at work anymore 馃檨
Heard my downstairs neighbor shouting “GET INSIDE NO GET INSIDE RIGHT NOW YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED OUTSIDE GET INSIDE” at about the same time 3 mornings in a row so looked to see what the new pet was and turns out its a roomba
[on my way back to the posting caves]
I think college costs are so high because at that point parents are willing to pay anything to get their kids out of the house.
Today I learned not all people are appreciative of vetriloquism. Especially my gynecologist.
[God making water]
“it helps plants”
ANGEL: nice
“cleans things”
A: ok
“u die if u don’t drink it”
A:
“& drown if u drink it wrong”
A: what
Thank goodness my food comes pre-murdered. I don’t know if I could do that.
I want to learn scuba diving but I’m terrified of the orchestral music in underwater documentaries.
To whoever has my voodoo doll, stop making her go to work !
God I love corduroy pants. If only the fire department would allow me to wear them
Considering teaching a whole seminar solely on this tweet
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group