*mob meeting*
ayo new guy—who’re you?“they call me the butcher”
oh yea? why’s that, butch?
*smacks him with a pork loin* “no reason”
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Some stranger replied to a tweet and asked me to date him, so I’m wondering what kind of weirdo does that and what should I wear.
Calling Sony comments”racially insensitive remarks” instead of “racist”? U can put a cherry on a pile of sh*t but it don’t make it a sundae.
When one door closes, I lock it.
I’m not chancing someone else getting in.
ME: I promise it will be different this time
THE BOOKS I NEVER READ: *throwing the flowers I brought into the compost*
I’d like to live in a small town where they still do festivals, play fun games and raffles, bake pies and other delicious food, and sacrifice to the Gods..
He arrives mysteriously. Helps others, performs miracles, is betrayed, dies, is resurrected, and ascends into the heavens.
– E.T. (1982) PG
cat 911: what ur emergency
my cat: my owner just closed the bathroom door
cat 911: have u tried screaming at the top of ur lungs
*renames my kids South and East, and leaves them on Kanye’s doorstep*
Just ate a burrito the size of a baby *coughs up pacifier*
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
Sorry I dressed up like Captain Caveman when you asked me if I wanted to go clubbing.
A seller on Amazon just paid me for a 5 star review. I feel guilty. Don’t listen to me if you’re checking out the Emotional Support Pizza Blanket
can we get some a.i. to pick plastic out of the ocean or do all the robots need to be screenwriters?
Tried arguing on the internet today.
Wouldn’t recommend it.
0 out of 5 stars.
[removing powdered wig to reveal my son, a powdered wig]
SON: *powdered wig noises*
ME: *nods powderdedly*
No parenting book or blog or sage advice warned me of having two kids in a car Rickrolling me by singing “Never gonna pick you up, never gonna drop you off” over and over on every school run
Me: I want you to make me a better person
Frankenstein: you barely touch the one you have now
my landlord is angry because I put an entire suit of armor down the laundry chute again
She lied to me. Just like the resealable cheese industry.
[Buys a popcorn and cola combo at the movies]
My Financial Advisor:
Colossal ancient god: YOUR SACRIFICE?
Me: *frantically googling “gift ideas”*
people in the Bronze Age actually lived far more luxurious lives than our own. Archaeological evidence indicates that they had vases with octopuses on them. do you have that? didnt think so
No sound cuts through the ambiance of a fine dining restaurant quite like the unmistakable noise of my wallet being unvelcroed
You can rain on my parade but please don’t poop in my punch bowl.
I like to sleep naked. I don’t understand why airlines have a problem with this.
“Pyromaniac” puts it strongly. I enjoy starting fires. It’s not my whole deal.
Friend “Listen to this. I had wine delivered the other night and I ended up having sex with the delivery guy”
Me “There’s WINE delivery?”
As a kid one Christmas Eve I set out dog biscuits instead of cookies and it turned out Santa was not a jolly old elf. Not. At. All.
When people show me pictures of their kids I show them pictures of my exes. If I have to look at their mistakes, they have to look at mine.
Would I like wedges? No thank you, I shall stick with fries. Not a huge fan of starch that takes 30 minutes to cool down enough to eat while simltaniously becoming totally inedible, but thank you for offering me your salty paper weights.