1996: My loneliness is killin’ me
2020: That’s cute.
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[Fear Factor]
HOST: and the first contestant to touch the puppy in front of them will be sent home
*camera pans to me already holding puppy*
Nothing like 2 big dogs chasing your dog to get in some extra cardio
7-year-old: You got a letter!
Me: It’s a bill. I owe money.
7: Not if you throw it away.
She’s my financial planner now.
Damn boy, are you wearing an anti-gravity suit?
‘Cause I’m not the least bit attracted to you.
Newton’s daughter had dem apple fallin genes, boots with the fur
All I’m saying is you’ll never find cheese in a recipe for disaster.
ROBIN: the batmobile won’t start
BATMAN: check the battery
ROBIN: what’s a tery
A Southern Diner is a cross between Noah’s Ark and a Deep Fryer.
Recipes be like you’ll need an 1/8 tsp of this really hard to find item. Also, it’s gonna cost $125
Sharks. Alligators. Cockroaches. I hate em all.
Any animal that hasn’t changed in millions of years is clearly up to something.
[shark-filled moat]
ROBIN: golly, Batman, how can we distract them?
BATMAN: *pushing him in* we’ll think of something, chum
A lot of women think you have to chose between a career and a family, but I’m here to tell you that you can have neither.
There’s hangry, and then there’s fasting for blood test hangry.
I think about wizards and dragons way more than a wizard of 3 small dragons should. Dammit I meant mother of 3 small dragons. Dammit I meant
I hate when things are inscrutable. just wanna scrute ‘em so BAD.
I’ve been buying men’s hoodies for years for myself. It’s all about skipping the middle man.
At the pub, it’s my job to inform people of the roots of words. I’m the designated deriver.
The 1st rule of idiom club is loose lips sink ships. The 2nd rule is don’t let the cat out of the bag. Last but not least, the 3rd rule.
[before humans were invented]
animals: this is nice
Any job that calls u a rockstar just know they’re underpaying u
I always say “no spoilers!”. Not because I plan to see the movie but because I don’t want to listen to you babble on about it.
Kids: It’s the first day of spring break and it’s not fair that we’ve been bored all day.
Me, barley conscious: It is literally 10 o’clock in the morning.
Kid’s tiny friend: My mom sent me here as she is cleaning our house.
My kid: why is she cleaning, is anyone visiting?
FITNESS COACH: Have u been reaching your target heart rate each morning
*Flashback to me replacing the snooze button with an airhorn* “yes”
Things that were punishments when we were kids turned into rewards as adults. Go take a nap? Don’t mind if I do. Sent to my room to be alone for a while? What a relief. Spankings? Please sir, CAN I HAVE SOME MORE
willy wonka: it’s a factory, accidents happen
me: ok but your employees sang about it…in detail
willy wonka: lol that was sick righ-
me: there was choreography, it…it rhymed
willy wonka:
me: how did- how could they have prepared
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
If you want to keep people away from you, just have a conversation with yourself at the supermarket self checkout, like there’s an employee there:
Me: Did you find everything you need today?
Me: Yes, thank you.
Me: Whatchu got planned for today?
Me: Just relaxing
who called it a missed phone call from your parents and not a boomer rang?