This strip mall certainly is misleading
And I probably should put my clothes back on now.
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Ok pregnant ladies. Today’s the day!
#LaborDay
The man that loves to eat on a lounger by the pool is a manipooleater
Wonder Woman 2: Wonder Woman goes to Costco. She pulls apart 2 shopping carts that are stuck together. Costco shoppers amazed. Roll credits.
Shoutout to all the bank robbers who aren’t being taken seriously anymore.
I wanted to go see the Queen reunion concert but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
If my 5yos are holding something when I buckle them into their car seats, there’s a 150% chance they’ll hit me in the face with it.
I showed my husband a list of home improvement projects we could start this weekend, and after looking it over, he decided to stay in a hotel.
Police: can you describe the woman who stabbed you
Male author: Lithe, spirited, and outgoing. She was a raw sexual force and she knew it. She was a dandelion fluff on a summer day, gone in an instant, leaving you with nothing but the memory of her smell
Police:
5:00 pm: birds are amazing, I wish I had more time to enjoy nature
5:00 am: I want to murder every living bird
People who say ‘be careful what you wish for’ have obviously never wished for free, unprotected, unlimited wifi from their neighbor.
cop: do you know who the murderer is?
detective quasimodo: i have a [takes off sunglasses] decent lead
cop: [obviously disappointed] oh
detective quasimodo: what?
cop: it’s just i thought you were gonna say you had a… nvm it’s not important
When a friend dies, I’m not sure if I should unfriend them on Facebook or occasionally “poke” them to see if they’re still dead.
Don’t tell me about your wild weekend. My TV remote died and I switched the batteries around, and now it’s working.
Dad: I’m so hungry.
Me: Hi, so hungry I’m son!
*Dad turns head very slowly*
[camera cuts to Dad patting down pile of dirt with shovel]
Superman: Kinda sucks you can’t fly.
Batman: It’s okay.
Superman: Why?
Batman: My planet hasn’t exploded, so I can still walk and drive.
I waitress because if I don’t get screamed at twice a day about condiments, I don’t feel like I have put in an honest days work.
Writing prompt: You will run out of money entirely in three months and your only skill is writing.
Keeping 6 ft away from me may protect you from my germs, but you’ll need to be a lot farther than that to avoid the glare from my heavily-sequined Christmas sweater.
After seeing my share of people’s ultrasound pictures I’m convinced that they just give everyone the same one.
[First Date]
Me: “I’m sorry. It’s just that I’ve been burned before.”
*Stuffs handful of fries through visor in hazmat suit
*Closes visor
Dear student loan, thank you for saving my life. I can’t think how I can ever repay you.
Generation gap…
I finally ordered Life Alert. I’m not old I just do a lot of stupid shit
Two princes?
I’ll take the one that wants to buy me rockets.
My wife told me, “I look really fat. Please make me feel better and compliment me.”
I said, “You have perfect eyesight.”
This woman just stared at the beer in my cup holder, like she’s never seen a cup holder on a grocery cart before.
honestly there’s like 4 types of people. babies, 14 yr olds, people who are exactly ur age, and people who are 500 years old
My boyfriend told me to stop acting like a flamingo so I had to put my foot down
He said I was sent from above, but I wasn’t sure if he meant angelic, or shit out of a bird.