Whoever said “There is nothing as precious as a child’s laughter” obviously never fell down a flight of stairs in front of his kids.
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Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
Sally: I Love You Mommy!
Me: Melts into a puddle.
Sally(5 minutes later to her breakfast): I Love You Waffles.
Me: Oh. ☹️
Me: I’m not paying someone to do this job when I can do it myself.
Me, 30 minutes into job: I will pay someone all my money.
water it, i dare you
Me: You’ll always be my girl.
Daughter: Even if I break stuff?
Me: Depends on which stuff.
On my first day of lifeguard duty two people drowned but I won two games of Words with Friends so it was kind of a wash.
We only rate dogs. This is very clearly an Egyptian Shadow Giraffe. Please be more careful. Only send in dogs. Thank you… 13/10
Average Guy: [writes her a song]
Girl: “Yeah, whatever.”Hot Guy: “Sup.”
Girl: “Oh my god, you’re so creative!”
[chameleon conference]
Boss: Is… everyone here?
*crickets*
Boss: I know Keith is. He brought the yummy crickets. Thx
Keith: You’re welcome
The best part about Halloween is seeing people in costume doing normal shit. Just saw a Dracula standing by a car eating potato chips.
[first day as a peterinarian]
Customer: I think there’s a misprint on that sign
Me (petting dog): No.
you miss 100% of the gossip from the phone calls you don’t answer
The only spanish I know is from the song Feliz Navidad, so these last few days have been my time to shine.
Airbud being shut down by the oppositions new defender, the vacuum.
When I get a little tipsy I like to go to a random neighbourhood, knock on the door and say, “Sarah Connor?”.
Nothing in my college degree prepared me for having the cat supervise me while I clean out the litter box.
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “Your guess is as good as mine.”
As I was getting into bed she said: You’re drunk.
I said, how do you know?
She said, You live next door.
‘High five!’
*steals your snacks, runs away
If someone starts talking to you, easily get out of the conversation by nodding while climbing the nearest tree.
I walked into a pub with my wife..
The Bartender asked: Would you like a drink for your wife?
I said That sounds like a fair swap
Wife: You only half-listen to me. You’re in a boatload of trouble.
Me: Yes, let’s buy a boat.
In the next verse of the song, the mother of the 5 Little Monkeys receives a massive doctor’s bill.
Hey girls, you are not a “mommy” just because you own a dog. You have to have a kid to be a mommy. If you are a mommy, then I am a dragon.
I just got mistaken for an employee at a haunted house. Assume it’s because I look authoritative not because I look like I’m wearing a mask.
Hate it when we run out of clean towels so I have to ride my white stallion Gregory up and down the driveway real fast to dry my mullet
At my age, you can spell Ibuprofen and Acetaminophen without googling it.
movies gotta warn me if they’re a part 1, before i’m in the theater. I just got jump scared by “to be continued” screens twice in one week (Fast X and Spiderverse).
i’m a 37 year old man and and i need emotional closure in my movies, i don’t have time to be cliffhanged
As a dad it’s your duty to ask “how were the roads?” within fifteen minutes of a visitors arrival
she loves me [takes bite of hotdog]
she loves me not [takes another bite of hotdog]