The first rule of Suspense Club is͏
͏
͏
͏
͏
͏͏
͏
͏
͏
͏
͏͏
͏
͏
͏
͏
͏͏
͏
͏
͏
͏
͏͏
͏
͏
͏
͏
͏͏
͏
͏
͏
͏
͏͏
͏
͏
͏
͏
͏͏
͏
͏
͏
͏
͏͏
͏
͏
͏
͏
͏͏
͏
͏
͏
You Might Also Like
PRESIDENT OBAMA: I pardon this turkey-
TURKEY: Nope. I’m ready. 2016 was a shit show. Kill me now
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
It’s weird that ‘coward’ doesn’t mean
“towards a cow”.*sips wine*
When people on House Hunters complain about the color of the room are they not aware of the miracle that is paint?
When someone asks if I have any hobbies
Yesterday I was very irritated so I read some Shakespeare and today I am sorely vexed.
*[at the sperm bank]*
I’ll have a cup of Joe, please.
RIDDLER: What has–
BATMAN: A gazebo
ROBIN: Matches
RIDDLER: Let me finish-
BM: A paperweight
R: Dental floss
RIDDLER: I hate you guys
Hey baby, do you like tan lines? Because I fell asleep with a badminton racquet on my face again and
Got a phone call and the caller ID said NYC Human. That sure narrows down the list of who it can be doesn’t it?
My husband and I make a good team. I’m about to start cooking Thanksgiving dinner, and he’s taking the batteries out of the smoke detectors.
in the mood to pterodactyl scream at anyone who steps into a 3 foot radius of my body unless they’ve got a bowl of mashed potatoes to offer me
a potato meteor that cooks itself as it hurdles toward the earth and lands on your plate hot and ready
I’ll start buying “smart” appliances when they make a microwave that automatically electrocutes people who put fish in it
me: *using chocolate coins as currency*
clerk: those are not legal tender
me: tender? buddy, these will melt in your mouth
My advice to the younger generation: make your mistakes now. Because by the time you’re 40, you’ll barely even remember them! And then you get to make the same mistakes all over again it’s really fun
Just once I’d like to buy a house plant that didn’t have the lifespan of a soap bubble.
Dress sloppy at work and people will think you don’t know what you’re doing. Dress too nice and people will think you know what you’re doing. So you see my dilemma.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This guy just died in my arms tonight.
911: How did he die?
Me: It must’ve been something I said.
WIFE: He treats our marriage like it’s a talk show
THERAPIST: Is this true?
ME: *turns and winks at camera* We’ll find out after the break
Singing happy birthday when masked is no longer permitted until we determine who was beatboxing.
Me on Masterchef: Ive made a roasted pork kebab breaded with buttermilk cornbread and served with a tomato reduction
Them: This is a corndog
*first day as a Walmart greeter*
Me: You know Target’s still open, right?
So it turns out that you can’t use Cool Whip as shaving cream, apparently.
Narrator: Ursula needed 3 stitches in an undisclosed location.
eating all the chips in my house so that I won’t be tempted to eat all the chips
In Good Will Hunting, Ben Affleck goes to Matt Damon’s house every day but secretly hopes he isn’t there. I have a similar thing with one of my friends. Whenever I go to his house, I secretly hope Matt Damon isn’t there.
Get in, there’s no time to explain.
This whole time I thought Ariana Grande was a font
A confidential source has informed me that the earth is gonna hatch
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?