Unicorn: why can’t you create me again?
God: no one is going to believe a horse has a horn it’s too ridiculous.
Unicorn: I guess you’re right.
[Narwhal swims by]
Unicorn: w-was that a whale with a horn?
God:
Unicorn:
God: technically that’s a tooth.
You Might Also Like
bro think about being homies w Joaquin Phoenix in “her”. trying to console him over his broken heart but at the same wanting to be like “dude she is a phone”
Feeling sad? Donuts.
Feeling blah? Donuts.
Feeling upset? Donuts.
Feeling that your husband may be Facebook cheating on you with his skanky old high school girlfriend Brenda? Lots and lots and lots of donuts.
Them: The meek shall inherit the earth
the meek: *looks around* umm, I’m good
This may be not be a mainstream opinion, but I don’t believe you should cut down a Christmas tree unless you intend on eating it.
Now is the perfect time to openly dig any graves you may need for the coming year and call it halloween decor.
Helped my son flush his betta fish today. He asked “Dad, does God love bettas?” & I said “Dunno, son, ask him after we flush you.”
[During lull in conversation at party]
ME: Do you think you’re closer to your own birth or your own death? Let’s go around the room.
I’m so sick and tired of all the Internet bullying. “My password is NOT weak. YOU DONT EVEN KNOW ME!”
Me: you want french toast for breakfast?
Toddler: yes.
Me: manners?
Toddler: no thank you.
I think the bowl of ice cream I ate earlier gave me a stomach ache so I ate a another bowl to make sure.
My boyfriend is so needy. Always demanding things like “please untie me” and “just tell me who you are”.
heard you like bad girls so I squeezed lemon juice on my fish even though the waiter grabbed me & was like “no, there’s already lemon on it”
The celebrity couple name for Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton is Clump.
Before you try to convince me that people aren’t really all that dumb let me point out that TikTok has a “no filter” filter
[At a loud club]
Me: *the unceasing drone of locusts, driving to madness all unlucky souls who hear it*
Him: WHAT?
Me: *THE UNCEASING DRO
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
~ The Okra Show
Calm on the outside. Screaming goat on the inside.
alexa has taken my entire family hostage and won’t unlock any of our doors or turn on our lights until we buy a carton of tide detergent pods on amazon
Everything goes as planned when nothing’s planned.
To stay safe in a fire, remember the acronym “DBOF”:
Don’t
Be
On
Fire
You know you’re too drunk to drive when you swerve to miss a tree then realise it was your air freshener.
[Last supper]
Jesus: Same time next week guys?
*they all nod*
Judas: I’ll book a table for 12
Jesus: you mean 13
Judas: yeah..13, I meant 13
Lil Brain – Out of Leads
#have a #great #PancakeDay
Relationships are about compromise. I pretend she’s not watching a Gossip Girl boxset. She pretends I’m not digging her grave in the garden.
The irony is that if we had a vaccine against stupid, those who need it most wouldn’t get it.
My toddler has discovered the word WHY. Please send help.
Women prefer to become ghosts in the afterlife because WE’RE NOT DONE WITH YOU YET
Humankind: *evolves sophisticated language skills over thousands of years*
Guys talking to women online: Hey
My husband and I are co-counsel in trial today.
We already had an argument about who would drive to the courthouse.
This should be good.