A Hallmark Movie where the woman discovers the true meaning of love while eating chicken wings alone in a booth at Buffalo Wild Wings
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13: I’m hungry… can I have a snack?
Me: what do you want?
13: what do we have?
Me: the same things we always have
13: like what tho
[boxing match]
TRAINER: Give him the old ‘one-two’
CHAMP: I’m not too good at math
TRAINER: Ok…a left and a right
CHAMP: Or politics
Plants: We should trick people into taking us inside and watering us
Plants once we bring them inside: Oh no
Welcome to your fifties. You have seven pairs of reading glasses throughout your house, but you can’t find any of them, including the ones on your head.
Forgive me father, for I have sinned. I’m not so sure what I did, but he sent me a text that only said, “K” so it must be pretty bad.
Why is “goodnight” one word, but “good morning” a lie?
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
had a weird insomnia so i put on a movie (Interstellar). i loved it. it made me cry twice and gave me the chills once but it absolutely didn’t help me sleep
Me: You said pick the kids up
Wife: OUR KIDS
Me: *Watching a pack of feral children destroy everything we own* Yeah, that makes more sense
I could never run for any kind of office because if someone published how badly I lost I would cry.
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
So no pizza place on Ninja Turtles ever questioned the delivery address being “The Sewer”
It’s the embarrassment, not the blunt force trauma that kills you when you’re hit by a Smart car.
[swimming pool]
Me: but what if there’s a shark in there?
Lifeguard: that’s impossible
Shark: *popping head out of the water* I have an English degree and it’s improbable
Take on cheese
(Take on cheese)
Take brie on
(Take on cheese)
Camembert
And fromage
Encourage your children to be unfriendly so you can keep your weekends free of other kids’ parties.
Netflix should double as a dating site and be like “here are 9 other singles in your area that watched LOST for the past 11 hours.”
Mugger: *holding knife* give me your money
Me: please, I have a family
Mugger: gimme the money and I won’t hurt you
Me: but I have a family
Mugger: do y- do you want me to stab you?
Me: more than anything
Get a hair cut, run away without paying. They can’t chase you because they’re holding scissors. The perfect crime.
Don’t tell me I look tired unless you’re offering to carry me
Singing happy birthday when masked is no longer permitted until we determine who was beatboxing.
put ‘er there pardner!
People are writing condolences on my Grandma’s Facebook that sound more like Yelp reviews of her. Great woman, very loving, 5/5 stars
I’ve never seen a workplace Hanukkah display that didn’t shout, “We legally had to do this.”
“you look nervous” thanks i’ve been practicing my whole life
I drank a beer and then clipped my kid’s bangs, so tomorrow morning should be interesting
Me: Uh oh there’s my ex girlfriend. Quick, will you hold my hand so I can make her jealous?
Great grandma: No.
i just gave a homeless guy $20 but do u see me looking for praise (the answer is: yes)
Have I ever steered you wrong?
*flashback to you at zoo in bear suit
Me: They wont attack if ur dressed like one of them, now go get my ball