friend: don’t worry so much
me: omg why what will happen
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There’s a lady at work named Lillian Llewellyn who carries a briefcase and I like to imagine it falling open and spilling a bunch of L’s
6yo: chicken is good for you. but not so good for the chicken
😳
*intermittently glances at phone while placing order for 6 burritos so the Chipotle lady thinks they’re for multiple people*
Irrational fear 807: being spoken to by a comedian during their performance. I would die a thousand proverbial deaths and a single real one.
Shattner didn’t go to Nimoy’s funeral, and Obama’s been on the phone all weekend with the Vulcan ambassador, trying to smooth things over.
When I sit down and the toilet seat is warm, I like to imagine someone rubbed a freshly baked loaf of bread on it.
Don’t ruin this for me!
[Lady is being robbed]
“Help, Social Media Man!”
[Social Media Man swoops in & creates a facebook page called Mugging Is Bad]
*washing car*
Neighbor: “You washing your car?”
Me: “No. I’m watering it to see if it grows into a bus.”
Forever 21… pounds overweight
This guy told me he spoke Swedish and then spoke Swedish and tbh I have no way of knowing if he was lying.
People ask me what my secret is to losing weight and I tell them not having money to buy food
ME: should we give it a dry rub
CORONER: get out
Vegetables: “We need to be stored in special conditions with ideal humidity and temperature.”
Potatoes:
My college career succinctly summed up in a meme.
Being a bigger account doesn’t make you a better person. We’re all terrible people. We’re on twitter. I threw a baby at a fox this morning.
I wish the Antiques Roadshow guy had just told me how much my swords were worth without getting all nosy about where the blood came from.
*in an interview*
Me: Tell me a time when you really struggled in your previous job.
Applicant: 5-7PM po.
Me:
Applicant: 8PM.
Me:
Ignoring your text is easy. It’s having to park my car 8 blocks away so you think I’m not home when you drive by that’s awkward.
I’ve shenanned before… and I’ll shenanigan
Regardless of how strange your life can be, at least you’re not the h in chameleon.
AISLE 7
– Chips
– Cookies
– Quackers
Never call it a guest room.
That’s just asking for trouble.
I know the birds that flew south for winter mad as hell right now.
Who are you to tell me what to do? You’re not my bank account.
[Surrounded by a million deer]
Genie: You said you wanted a million bucks.
Homer: D’oh.
Maybe all the vampires are always so angry and biting people because they can never eat any lasagne or spaghetti or anything that has garlic in it. Did you ever think about that? No you always think about yourself!
Just a reminder that when Shakespeare was quarantined because of the plague, he wrote King Lear.
The only appropriate time to ask a woman if she’s pregnant is when you see her peeing on a stick.
Girlfriend: *reading beautiful love poem in German*
Me: STOP YELLING AT ME
Me: [bursts into wife’s meeting] BABE, IT HAPPENED!
Wife: Dave, I’m at wo-
Me: I paid for 6 [empties chicken nuggets on table] I got 7