Weekend #HayaoMiyazaki
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“Well, this is me,” I say climbing into a plant so that we’re no longer walking in the same direction after saying goodbye
Me *sneezes*
My cat: EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF
“Jingle-horse” sounds like an insult made by someone who wasn’t very good at crafting insults
Friend: Well, the more you know-
Me: The sadder you’ll feel
Friend:
Me: Is that not the phrase?
Friend: It’s annoying that you keep getting it wrong
Me: *crying* Well the more you know
“I’m not really a big dog person.” – lying werewolf
Weirdly Wednesday.
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me: Idk how dark is it?
I’m just sick of the mixed signals, babe. One second you’re changing your phone number and the next you’re filing a restraining order.
Laxatives help you live up to your full pooptential.
20: omg my life is going to be so aweso—
40: wtf just happened
A beautiful woman said hi to me at the store and I panicked and said Merry Christmas.
I tried being a Disney Princess but them damn budgies keep loading the dishwasher wrong
something america actually gets right is our commitment to air conditioning and ice cubes in drinks. like yeah healthcare would be nice but my god, room temperature water is an abomination
Ask yourself, “do I like finding socks in every room of the house?” and if the answer is yes, unprotected sex is right for you.
called my horse mayo cause mayo neighs
I never thought I’d meet the man of my dreams while I was out running errands in sweat pants with no make-up on. And I was right
I have always been suspicious of Wendy’s hamburgers because they are square; much unlike the round hamburgers one finds in nature.
You know what cats don’t like? Blow dryers.
You know what’s funny? Pointing your blow dryer at your cat.
Anyway, I lost an eye today.
Donald Duck can walk around Disney pantless and everyone loves him, but when I do it, it’s “indecent”?
Early morning sibling drama: 4 is upset with 6 because he told 4 everyone in the family featured in his fun dream except her because his dream “was limited to those aged 6+.”
I just got a Facebook invite to my brother’s non-alcoholic Mormon wedding.
I dunno which part of that sentence makes me want to cry more.
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable eating a bucket of extra crispy.
If I had a million dollars for every time I looked at the negative side of things, I’d have way too many god damn taxes to pay.
My family is “sick of all the same old meals” so I’ve compiled this delicious list with all their other suggestions:
1.
2. I mean, whatever.
3.
4. No. Not that.
5.
6. I don’t really care.
Parenting is like being a dive bartender: people shout drink orders, you have to listen to their problems, and the place looks like a dump.
Adding “Free HBO” to your dating profile isn’t the game changer you’d think it’d be.
She said she liked a man with a mouth on him and I admitted that I too like someone with all their face parts.
I don’t shower before work, they don’t deserve my soap.
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
Every birth announcement I see the parents are like “we’re already so in love!” Just once I want a “she seems chill but we’ll see what happens”