Love when a cop car pulls up alongside of me and I start thinking of every bad thing I’ve ever done.
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If I had a time machine I’d destroy the invention of autotune and say “good luck being famous now you talentless brats!”
We need more people like this.
This guy’s not having it 😆
If she steals your hoodie she likes you, if she steals your car she’s a thief
A: Just had to explain the difference between “mute” and “moot” to a younger co-worker.
Q: Why am I drinking out of a flask at work?
In an unexpected turn of events yesterday, my husband tested the child locks on the car doors.
“Laura, can you come and let me out?”
If your conservative parents piss you off over the holidays, come out to them. You don’t even have to be gay, it’s just a fun thing to do.
I’m upstairs and the food is downstairs. Send help.
Urge is strong to leave work early on summer Fridays to avoid traffic. Most do it & become the traffic they sought to avoid.
[Police station]
Me: “Not sure what why you guys arrested me. I guess I just have one of those faces. Huh.”
Cop: “That’s right buddy, and if we don’t get it back to the transplant center by noon, they won’t be able to operate. So hand it over, capiche?”
Really shocked to hear about the dead worm. I didn’t even know it was sick.
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’ll have a martini, dry
Me, staring at all the liquid ingredients: I don’t know how to tell you this
Can’t feed an old dog new Trix.
Trix are for kids.
*takes my split ends to couples counseling*
Someone should tell the Twitter ads I’m getting I can afford the next sub sandwich not ocean going vessel.
The word “defenestration” means “to throw someone out a window.” Which means this happens so often we needed a word for it.
Me: NO!
Him: What? I haven’t even said anything
Me: Oh, you looked like you were about to
Someone tried to abduct me today by sloppily painting “taco truck” on the side of a windowless van.
There were no tacos in there. Please send help.
Did I say feelings? I meant uhhh sandwiches. I have sandwiches for you.
Gas prices are so high I’m riding my Roomba to work
Our guide called the bear tracks I found bike tracks. Laugh it up pal, but if these bears are on bikes we’re all going to die out here.
Most of the time I fall asleep before I figure out which remote does what again
[1st time eating a lemon] this orange is angry
My parents have been together for 40 years, and I don’t even like seeing the same cashier twice in a row at the grocery store.
[Casting Meeting]
Director: Did we get Cruise?
Producer: Tom said he’ll do it if we get Willis.
Me: So we’re Cruise in for a Bruce in?
Oh, you’re here. Who’s running hell?
Words are fun. A “bat” can be a piece of sports equipment or an animal. A “spirit” can be a ghost or a beverage. A “content” creator can be someone who creates videos or who walks around screaming all of the time.
The Grapes of Wrath 2: The Raisins of Revenge
Boss: Working at home is the same as working on location. Our technology will alert us if your computer screen goes into sleep mode, so don’t get distracted from your job.
[ working from home ]
Me:
You remind me of a nebula. A newborn star Full of energy, color, and completely dense while being unstable.