[walking out of restaurant]
DATE: let’s do this again
ME: thank god I’m starving
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Remember that it’s “i before e” …
Except when feigning a heist on a
weird, feisty, beige foreign neighbor.
One night stand because my bedroom is narrow.
My true love: [gives to me a partridge in a pear tree]
Me: wtf how did you wrap this
I always eat the whole pizza cause I don’t like to half love anything.
The recipe I’m making specifically says allow to cook undisturbed, and yet my whole family is standing in the kitchen
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
My crush suddenly stopped texting me today. Either she is in the gravest of danger or she spontaneously decided she hates my guts. Those are literally the only two things that could have happened.
My problem with McDonalds is I can’t go retrieve my kids in the play tubes because I can’t fit in the play tubes because I eat at McDonalds.
My friend: I was waiting here and all was normal and then suddenly all hell broke loose
Me:
Me: So, you’ve been waiting at this bus stop since 2019?
Barry?
Yes Joe
Can I borrow Air Force 1? I promised this girl we’d eat at the Pizza Hut in France
No Joe
*Biden slams fist*
THIS IS BULLSHIT
5: [bending his own finger backward] THIS HURTS & I DON’T KNOW HOW TO MAKE IT STOP!
Me: [sighs & closes his college savings account]
“Everything I touch just turns to shit!”
– Large intestines
Everybody always says never go to bed angry, but nobody told my husband never let your wife go to Target angry. He learned this the hard way.
Cop: Sir have you been drinking?
Me: *slowly unbuttons shirt to show underlying Superman t-shirt* It’s me *winks*
Cop: Out of the vehicle.
“Eat cheese and sin.”
This is… the best street art sticker I’ve ever seen?!
*angrily detangles self from wind chime*
Every time my dentist is kind enough to tell me I need to floss, I am kind enough to tell him that he needs to trim his nostril hairs.
‘Noah’ plot hole: THE FOOD CHAIN.
I feel kind of sad that in some countries children are starving and I’m over here eating spiders in my sleep like a god damn glutton.
He: “I think all my dating apps are in Halloween mode.”
She: “Halloween mode?”
He: “Yes, everyone is ghosting me.”
#Halloween #RubbishJokes
OH GOOD!
My child is tall enough to reach light switches.
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
Wife: [watching the news] oh God, did you see Petsmart got robbed?!
Me: [loud barks coming from all 19 pockets of my parachute pants] nope
7YO: When did I get inside mommy’s tummy?
Me: June 9 2012 right after I made coffee and for the first time, mommy saw me put the jar back in the cabinet
The doctor holds the stethoscope against my chest and frowns. Perhaps I should not have eaten all those bees.
You’re one day closer to death AND you get free cake? What’s not to like about birthdays?
my depression: I’m sad
my anxiety: but why now I’m worried
my depression: nothing to worry about I’m sad for no reason
my anxiety: oh cool but honestly I was just gonna worry anyway
All I’m saying is that the Care Bears gave me some very unrealistic expectations.
My family can’t decide what kind of Lab to get (Chocolate, Yellow, Black, etc.) so we drew straws.
I won, so we’re getting a Meth.
If pulled over, immediately ask the officer if they’ve been drinking in order to establish dominance.