Welcome to our chain hotel, breakfast is served from three in the morning until two minutes after you first start feeling hungry
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Sign in the elevator: Please keep 6-foot distance.
Width of elevator: 5 feet.
Just went to Cracker Barrel for the first time in my life and my biggest takeaway is that obesity is delicious.
i mentioned that my parents have been married 40 years and my gf was like “wow, i wonder what it would be like to love someone for 40 years” and it’s like, just to be clear, my parents wouldn’t know
If you ever feel stupid just know that I once cried bc I thought I ran over a crow but it was just a black work glove that was already dead.
Her: I just saw my parents having sex on the couch.
Me: Please tell me that’s a drink…
If you’re having a bad day, just remember someone is dating your ex and thinking they got lucky 😂
Me: we can stay at the playground a little longer
3: for forever?! Yay!!
Me: for five more minutes
3: *bursts into tears*
What if Baby Shark was by Lady Gaga? 🦈⚡️
Wife: Want do you want for dinner?
Me: Surprise me.
Wife: I used to be a man.
Me: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Pizza.
I’m in a long distance relationship. My girlfriend’s in the future.
High school prepares you for real life! For example, show choir taught me how to put on eyeliner and lip liner in a car on the freeway
My dad can get into “dad-mode” sometimes. He’s a doctor who is worried about the virus, and told me, his 24 year old son, in a 5 min rant that this isn’t the time to be trying to have a lot of “play-dates”. So if you were trying to play after school im sorry my dad said we cant
Am I in my mid 30s? Yes.
Will I ever stop ending professional phone calls with “bye-bye”? NO.
ME: We’re all out of beef
CHEF: In that case, I need you to grill the chicken
ME [rolling sleeves up] you think that little shit knows something?
Millennial: OMG, you don’t even know how to make a gif? That’s so tragic to me right now. Can you at least make a meme?
Me: I own a house.
I’m so glad that I took my son to basketball practice last night because I discovered how subpar my trash talking game really is.
ATTORNEY: Ladies and gentlemen, how could my client have committed murder WHEN IT’S AGAINST THE LAW [whispering throughout courtroom]
[my coffin lowering into the grave]
wait guys shouldn’t I be dead
[coffin starts lowering faster]
Pillsbury DoughBoy: I don’t ask for much in a relationship. I just want to feel kneaded
[speaking at an AA meeting]
Me: You’ll find the transition from hard liquor to hard drugs expensive, but very rewarding
*everyone cheers*
people see me spend money and think im rich bro im just irresponsible
[Arrives at work dressed as a sexy kitty]
Boss: *points to memo on desk* “It says no Halloween costumes”
Me: *slowly pushes memo off desk*
Microwaves are just clocks that also heat food.
(uses phone to push more food onto my fork)
“If that isn’t doing it for you, just give it a little smack. On the bottom. Harder. Little harder. Almost there.”
– The waiter explaining to me how to get ketchup out of the bottle.
My dentist plays country music, so it’s like a double torture.
Executioner: last words?
Me: pop
Executioner: we say soda here
Me:
Executioner: say soda
Warden: bro it’s LAST words he won’t-
Executioner: I’M NOT PULLING TIL HE SAYS SODA
So I was all like Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was all —
And I was Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was —And that’s when I knew it wasn’t gonna work out
*Picks up extra virgin olive oil. *smirks*
“Not for long my friend. Not for long.”