(When I hear a news report of someone getting run over while walking their dog) IS THE DOG OKAY JUST TELL ME THE DOG IS OKAY
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Me: THE CAKE IS TAKING TOO LONG
Priest: it’s objections to the marriage, specifically
Putting carrot sticks in the break room next to the cake is considered work place violence, Jim. Security will see you out.
It’s amazing how little sleep you can survive on, just by eating right, cutting out alcohol & sharing a bedroom with a vengeful poltergeist.
Life is what happens in between trips to the fridge.
me: are we there yet? are we there yet? are we there yet?
cop: if you don’t shut up I’ll turn this car around and none of us are going to jail
Nighttime can be so great when you have insomnia. You can clean up the house, read, watch a movie or even rearrange your old racist neighbors garden knomes to make her think she’s losing her mind. I’ve really turned into quality ‘me time.’
Some of my co-workers want to go hang out tonight. Trying to figure how to fake my death and still make it into work tomorrow.
People need to realize that being an alpha male has nothing to do with power and dominance and has everything to do with how many things you can carry in a store without a basket.
Wife: what’s wrong?
Me *halfway through eating a horse* I’m not as hungry as I thought
[therapy session]
THERAPIST: ok…I totally respect your feelings & you sound genuine…but that was just the plot of Jurassic Park
ME: nuh uh
GOD: I’ve created donuts
ANGEL: ooh they’re yummy but why the hole?
GOD:
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: because they are holy
GOD: because they are holy
The cake is mightier than the sword.
*me, struggling to please the members of our tea club*
“Please, everyone! Why can’t we all just get oolong?!
HIM: [awkwardly] wanna go see a movie?
HER: sure, sounds great.
[next day]
HIM: could i maybe come with you next time?
Me: Damn i really need to do my essay
Also me:
Alex Jones said that lesbians are torturing women and eating their brains.
Ummmmm…Alex? That’s not
What
We
Eat.
While I usually love my son’s sense of humour, pretending to not know us as we went through airport security was not one of those times
*checks the hip hop section*
Nope. No one named Velocirapper yet.
*Walks into puppy store wearing a large trenchcoat*
*Hurries out of puppy store in a much tighter-fitting trenchcoat*
The first rule of hydration club is where is your restroom?
“Needs to be punchier” — someone who has no idea what they want and wants you to figure it out
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two – one to screw it most of the way and the other to give it a surprise twist at the end.
I love working puzzles with my 5yo. Especially when she cries that she can’t figure out where the pieces go then yells at me when I try to help.
Gollum: it runs but never walks, has a bed but never sleeps, what is it?
Me: my children, now give me the ring
*Abandons ship*
*Ship gets adopted*
*Tracks down ship in adulthood*
*Ship is happy and wants nothing to do with me*
isnt birdbox bandersnatch the guy who plays dr. strange
When I die, before I’m cremated, fill me with popcorn kernels for one last laugh.
A facial recognition program, but one that matches your Tupperware container to its lid.
peacock: how’d the date go?
me: not so well
peacock: you show her your tail?
me: no i-
peacock: well there’s your problem dumbshit