Don’t you wish it was as easy to adjust the brightness level on people as it is on your phone?
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It’s not embarrassing falling down the stairs as long as you shout ‘parkour!’ after
H: “Whatcha doing?”
Me: “Going on twitter to hang out.”
H: “Twitter is an app, not a place.”
Me: *whispers venomously* “Is too a place!!”
Happy: So there’s saliva on the foot area of Snow White’s glass coffin
*Dwarves all turn their heads*
Kinky: Oh, blame the new guy
Cat 911: What’s your emergency
Cat: I can see the bottom of my food dish
Cat 911: Oh, well just wait patiently and the humans will fill it
Cat:
Cat 911:
Cat: Haha hahaha
Cat 911: hahahha
Cat 911: Seriously though, knock something off the counter
Save some A’s for the rest of the animal kingdom, aardvarks.
I need my shit together like those people who match their wrapping paper to their Christmas tree.
*limbos under the caution tape
NURSE: ur concerned about ur patient huh? Youve been pacing in circles for 10 mins
DR DOG: haha no im just trying to find a spot to lie down
If you send her a message and she doesn’t reply in six months she is probably thinking about it
1. Ice *check*
2. Ice *check*
3. Baby *calls 911*– Freezer Inspector –
A pastor, a priest and a rabbi walk into a bar…
just saw a guy pull down his sunglasses and look at a firetruck go by like a sexy lady in an 80s movie
After so much bullshit the past few years this upcoming colonoscopy somehow feels political
Your life flashes before your eyes right before you die. It takes an average of 70-80 years.
[cat and dog meet for negotiations]
Mediator: We’re just beginning this process, so right now everything is on the table.
Cat: *smiles*
Dog: Oh no.
Before emjois i had to end texts to my girlfriends with “two girls holding hands* heart* kissy face* glass of wine* nail polish* red lips.”
Oh.
You have a boyfriendBut…
can he do this…( flexes flab )
Wife: We’re so happy we finish each other’s
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Marriage Counsellor: ok so not happy
Drinking 8 to 12 glasses of water a day is good for you because you spend more time in the bathroom and less time at your job.
5: how many numbers do you love me?
Me: awww I can’t even count how much I love you cause I love you soooo much
5: aw I love you 24
I hate when I’m pooping alone in the house and I hear a noise.. please don’t kill me while i’m pooping..
It’s so magical how much rizz I got they call me the rizzard 🪄
Steve Buscemi is the only reported case of the saying “If you keep making that face, it’s going to get stuck that way” being true.
Drink lots of muppet milk to keep your fur soft and manageable and your eyes their googliest.
This summer, a rom-com dares to ask the question, “Can a 9 date an 8?”
Brain cancer from cell phones is no longer considered a risk because who holds their phone up to their head anymore?
And now for my next trick, I’ll turn your root canal into a ski vacation
Me: what?
My dentist: what?
Step 1: achieve tumescence.
Step 2: figure out what tumescence is.
If u think ur parents did nothing for you, remember Jackie Shrof named his son Tiger and Bappi Da named his son Bappa. Respect your parents
Family Clue night in my house be like: It was the teen in the kitchen with the bag of Doritos.