You know how some women ‘walk into’ their perfume? I’ve just done that but with a lamp post
You Might Also Like
*watching the discovery channel* this isn’t very disco
Accidentally punched myself in the face as I was getting dressed this morning, and I have to say, I deserved it.
Dora: “Swiper, no swiping!”
Swiper (on Tinder): …
It’s like you don’t even WANT me to break into your house and cook you a delicious breakfast.
[First Date]
I’ll have a turkey burger. No bun, please.
[Second Date]
*just goes straight up Pac-Man on the basket of garlic rolls*
Don’t you hate it when you misjudge a moment of silence and lean in for a kiss.
Worst police interrogation ever.
For someone who said “Correct me if I’m wrong…” you seemed genuinely surprised and upset when I did.
my family was too poor for a gene pool, so we soaked our genes in rye whiskey.
Hi, I’m Amanda and I stew on things that could’ve been handled in an hour for thirteen years.
So my therapist recommended a “digital detox” and I did way better than I thought I would. I only checked Twitter three hundred and twenty seven times today instead of eleventy billion.
I will not rest until I’ve finished this nap!
I was sad until I automatically connected to the local McDonald’s WiFi, then I was ~extra~ sad.
I’m quitting modelling, I need more job security so I’m going to become a princess.
Me: At least I’ve lost 5 lbs over the past week because of my depression
Therapist: Great, but happiness is our focus, not your weight loss, and you may gain it back once you achieve the feeli-
Me: OH MY GOD PEGGY CAN YOU JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE
Damn, Twitter. If I wanted to get ignored this hard, I’d yell at my kids
[god creating raccoons]
Take a cat and make him look like he’s committing crimes
I bet Ryan Gosling doesn’t even blow his candles out. He probably just winks at them and they faint.
Good news, I don’t have the virus. Bad news, I can still taste my cooking.
Beer doesn’t have many vitamins that’s why you need to drink lots of it
wwe: These are trained professionals please don’t try this at home
Me and my siblings:
My biological clock is wheezing.
13YO: gonna fire up the grill tonight fam? let’s goooo!
ME: *listening to the hail while lightning strikes the tree in the backyard*
13YO: wut?
A ballerina walks into a barre. Embarrassed, she splits.
i just foumd out that humpty dumpty is suposed to be an egg. nowhere in the humpty dumpty poem does it say that humpty dumpty is a egg
“I like your tree’s earring.”
“That’s a tire swing.”
I kinda feel like everyone shakes their head a little too much when they see me coming
4 years single just means I have a bachelor’s degree in being alone
My kid at 8am: Mommy!
Me: Yes, my love?My kid at 8pm: Mommy!
Me: WHAAATTTTTTTTTTTTTT NOWWWWW?!
My 7yo son is running away because I made him write a few sentences. I guess I shouldn’t expect any letters from the road.
“No son of mine is going to spend his entire day playing video games!” I tell everyone on various social media sites.