Sometimes my 5yo asks profound questions and other times he asks me if our garbage bin is big enough to fit a whole cow
You Might Also Like
I thought there would be a lot more happiness and sun in “The Shining.”
Good news, my mom’s friend’s sister’s cousin’s cat doesn’t have ringworm
My cat thinks his name is Pspspspssss
Husband: You have a chip on your shoulder.
Me: You know that’s untrue because I would have already eaten it.
Teaching my son to use social media for the first time ever, since he can’t see his friends. We’re working on the fine art of conversation and how not to respond to every girl with “sup.”
consequences, the bane of my existence
Please put away that scary photo, Tina.
That’s my X-ray.
I’m not sure what’s worse: the fact you dated a skeleton or that its name was Ray.
Where the hell are all the scissors?!
– a parenting memoir
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day and exercise for 30 minutes a day there’s pretty much no time for anything else in the day.
If you haven’t manipulated your kids into calling grandma to ask to sleep over, you’re missing out on a crucial parenting hack.
how long have you had this for?
me: [tied to a chair] i’ll never talk
terrorist: we’re gonna make you step in wet
me: what
terrorist: with sock
me: no
Family: So how did you two meet?
Me: Tinder.
Family: What’s Tinder?
Me: It’s a game site.
Shoutout to headline writers, making their own fun.
Him: Hey can you help with these groceries in the trunk?
Me: No way, Charles Manson!
Him: But I just..
Me: I’VE SEEN THE NEWS
HIM: We’ve been married for 12 years
Me *hurries in our house and locks the door*
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
There are 2 kinds of twitter.
FRIEND: Women want guys who take charge
ME: ok
[later]
WAITER: [to date] Ready to-
ME: [shoves waiter and grabs notepad] Ready to order?
(Teaching Kid to Ride a Bike)
KID:Dad, I’m scared
ME:It’s okay. The closest tree is a mile away
TREE:*rushes up to kid and clotheslines him*
hey joggers instead of those dumb little shorts you should wear batman costumes so I can feel like my neighborhood is protected
Thinking of opening a new deli in India but I have no idea what to call it.
I caught myself whistling the Unsolved Mysteries theme while hiding a body.
In my defense, that little girl should have never questioned my pillow fighting skills.
“No use crying over spilled milk” was coined by someone who didn’t have a 3yo who played with her milk. They didn’t have to deal with asking the 3yo to stop playing with her milk. And they def didn’t have to clean the spilled milk.
So you’re damn right I cried over spilled milk.
{time travels back to 1984} yeh i’m looking for a guy named *checks notes* baby hitler.
INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: no but i can explain this gap in my teeth. i can shoot water out of it. *takes a sip of his coffee* vanna thee?
I need to get my HR lady, mom and girlfriend together so they can more efficiently scrutinize my every move and thought.
Pixar: How did you get past security?
Me: *out of breath* I have such a good name for a Ratatouille sequel, Rata-
Pixar, sighing: Rata2ille?
Me: -touille 2 oh man yours is so good
Trump’s gonna be sooo mad when he finds out that China realized building a Great Wall didn’t keep foreigners out 400 years before he did.