If by high maintenance you mean she looks like a stoned janitor, then yeah, she’s high maintenance.
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Don’t tell me how to lift my baby
the olympics are held once every 4 years.. hell even im not held that often!!!!!
Superman finally decides, after realizing an entire city of people is duped by a pair of glasses, that Metropolis really isn’t worth saving.
If you need me, I’ll be right here for the next 35 years while my 4yo picks out a bedtime story to read
You young couples with your dogs, your trial children, you’ll learn nothing about parenting because you can never teach a toddler to “sit”.
To combat the sibling rivalry that’s been occurring at home, we’ve been spending more time outdoors. So essentially they’re just taking it outside.
Basketball games are very squeaky.
When the delivery of your fridge sounds like a threat. 🤣😂
Me: Can I leave early today?
Boss: No.
Me: Can you leave early then?
Boss: What?
Me: What?
My friend is gay, and that’s his boyfriend, he’s gay too…
I’m going to the gym now.
Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
Am I winning or losing at parenting if my 3yo says, “ooohhh chicken nuggets!” as I pull up to the security booth at a gated community?
It’s not a good date unless it ends with you slowly walking off into the ocean like Godzilla.
How can I say no to this ?
If you cry every day in your relationship.. sit down, take a deep breath & ask yourself, “Am I dating a Human or an Onion?”
COWORKER: Walking is better for your knees than running.
ME: Hammocking is better than both.
every time a random fucking website asks if it can send me notifications i imagine a guy i’ve never seen before in my life running out of a building i just walked by and chasing me down the street demanding to know my full name and email address
Them: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
Of course I’m a mom, why else would I hide in the laundry room to eat cake?
I wasnt home for a few days and somebody taught my cat Karate
Me: [talking out loud while I write in my diary] today was ok, I just wish I could have eaten more breadsticks
Waiter: *sighs* sir would you like more breadsticks
What do you hear?
How come in movies, all vampires hang out at techno/electro clubs? You never see a vampire country bar. I want to see vampire line dancing.
ICYMI: Yesterday, MarineLand Canada sent the police to my house because I tweeted “Life is short. Steal a walrus”. Vid or it didn’t happen? Ok:
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
to celebrate the 30th anniversary of Jurassic Park we will be switching off 30 of the world’s most important electric fences.
I wear my tattoos on the inside. Ever since having discount back surgery from a guy named “Spider.”
Me: Shut the door, I need privacy
4y/o: But we’re family!
Me: Families don’t watch each other go poop
4:You watch me poop!
Me:…take a seat
We DNA tested our dog and it turns out he killed a guy in Toledo in ‘79