Many years ago I took a Cosmo quiz to discover the best names for my future kids. Seamen and Boomquifa have yet to appreciate my efforts.
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Only 350 more followers until I casually mention the benefits of Amway.
Breakup? I’m sorry no.
You’re not finished being in love with me yet.
One man’s girlfriend is another man’s Twitter password.
911: what is your emergency?
Me: HE READ BUT DIDN’T REPLY
Sorry I’m late my grocery store rearranged all their aisles 2 years ago
Him: “Are you single?”
Me: *flashes back to that time Wil Wheaton RTd me and left me at the top of his TL all night*
“It’s complicated…”
Damn that is one huge cow. this is why I buy internet on flights. I almost saw that 6 hours after you guys did
karate master: the easiest way to knock someone unconscious is to hit their temple
[later]
my bully brad: you’re stupid
me: where is your place of worship
“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw
doctor: you want a note to get out of work?
me: please
doctor: [writing] you’re… fired…
At a restaurant I thought a family was praying at the table but then I realized they were all texting.
Nothing says you don’t trust your family like pre-payment of your funeral
Don’t look at me like that, daycare lady. Yes, my 3-year-old is wearing shorts and two sweaters. When I’m late, I negotiate with terrorists.
My husband fills the Halloween candy bowl early, expecting I’ll have no willpower and eat it all within 4 days, but joke’s on him this year: I haven’t touched it, I keep 2 bags of candy in my night stand.
Embarrassed that our 8 year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks.
If you want to catch a bus you have to *think* like a bus.
[wife who bought regular paper towels instead of the select a size paper towels] what’s wrong? [me trying to clean a small to medium sized spill] nothing
Give a girl a fish & she’s like “are u retarded?” Teach a girl to fish & she’s all “i only invited u to my party cause our moms are friends”
My single friends are always talking about clubbing and being hit on. Today’s social scene sounds so violent.
Today i learned that Capybaras are chill with everyone. Here they are getting along with the entire animal kingdom. Real life Disney princesses.
I can’t personally remember an Olympics with better toilet reporting
Sometimes you have to stop tweeting to have an alibi for ignoring texts.
Can’t. I’m cleaning my pantry or as I like to call it “Making my back hurt by pointlessly rearranging my food.”
[killer in horror movie suddenly appears]
me: *sighing* ugh I JUST sat down
They say if you love something you should let it go, but I don’t think this pastrami sandwich will come back to me, so I’m just eating it.
pilot: we’re approaching 30,000 feet
me, looking out window nervously: what are they doing up here
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
I get mortgage-related spam multiple times a day. It reaches me by text, phone, email, postage, and even social media. I’m absolutely sick of them not giving homing pigeons a chance.
GUY: Ugh this rice crispy treat is disgusting!
ME: There you go sweetie, it takes 23 oz of sawdust before people won’t eat them anymore.
DAUGHTER: This is going to be the best science fair ever!
Tweet thief [secretly the Backstreet Boys] 🎶am I original?
– Naaah –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I the only one
– LOL NO –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I SEXUAL
*Awkward silence*