Geppetto: So, I know this is literally the first day you’re alive, but Imma need you to go to school
Pinocchio: WTF, dude?
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Friend: Your makeup looks nice.
Me: Thanks. I went to a wedding last weekend.
I got kicked out of the casino in Las Vegas.
I didn’t cheat. I just misunderstood what the craps table was for.
Bad luck, Atheists named Christian.
You’re born alone and you die alone. And a bunch of people annoy you in the middle. Okay, good night.
My girlfriend once made me change because I was wearing green pants with a blue shirt. “You look like the earth,” she said.
Use Angie’s List if you want a plumber to come over.
Use Craigslist if you want that plumber to come over with no pants.
FFS. A bunch of ants are making brunch plans and doing yoga,because I spilled my Pumpkin Spice Latte,
Boss: Are you going to do any work today?
Me: Has it been optional this whole time?
vaccinated, but claiming unvaccinated for antisocial purposes
There are two kinds of people. The ones that pack six days before a trip, and the ones that wake up day-of and realize they need to do a load of laundry. And they marry each other.
Kevins first time outside 😭 he was absolutely bewildered
*scampers over to ice cream truck*
Yes, I’ll take the SpongeBob who looks like he just opened the Ark of the Covenant, please.
Meat Cute
Scrambled eggs are like regular eggs but their reception is terrible
Me after learning something literally 5 min ago:
Everybody else who doesn’t know this thing is an idiot
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you’re going to rob a bank make sure it’s not the one you normally use.
her: I can’t believe you’ve eaten all the Halloween candy
me: it’s not October 31 so it’s just candy
her: either way you’re not leaving the store until you’ve paid for it
Whoever figured out that you can make cake in a mug in under a minute was probably really going through some shit.
A child is like a CD. You enjoy it for a while and then forget it in the car.
Saw a guy on the side of the road with a flat, he didn’t have a spare.
Seemed like he was working tirelessly.
I just killed two birds with one stone and my next door neighbor looks horrified.
what’s for dinner?
ME: indian
we had indian last night
ME: i know, but i forgot to do the ‘i see a little sillhouetto of a naan’ joke so
The filling in fortune cookies tastes like paper..
Me: The wedding cake is a stack of 50 pancakes I have frosted. Each layer represents people you slept with prior to meeti-*mic gets cut off*
I remember when hashtag meant it was your turn to fill the pipe.
who named it sea urchin and not snorkupine
Everybody values honesty, until they have an ugly baby.
I don’t drink. This means when I do karaoke, it’s on purpose.
Me: Okay, time to get off our bed
Dog: It’s adorable that you think that.