Boss: Remember to only use your new laptop for job related things
Me: [Using laptop to search for a new job]
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[taking a walk with mom]
Me: *steps on a crack and hears a woman scream*
Mom: I guess now is the time to tell you that you’re adopted.
me: i’m sorry your honor i only stole to get back my beloved childhood toy.
judge: [tearing up] that’s beautiful what was the toy.
me: [sniffling] a huge pile of money.
We really need to stop with the cute names for devastating storms. Winter Storm Voldemort would be taken much more seriously.
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs
RETIRED STUNTMAN: We didn’t have fancy CGI. If the script said to drive a truck into a dinosaur, we drove a truck into a goddamn dinosaur.
“it must’ve gone to my spam folder” and other lies I tell at work
[1st Day working at Hotel California]
Guest: Id like 2 check out
Me: Sure! Youre all set!
G: Thanks! [Leaves]
Boss: Can I see u in my office
*holds up bread* this is my body
*holds up wine* this is my blood
*holds up fire* and this is my mixtape
12653.
When a coworker tells everyone he proposed, I’m the guy that asks, “So, what did she say?”
I’m funny that way.
If someone ever intimidates you, remember that they’re 70% water. Are you scared of water? Well you should be. 400,000 people drown per year
I’ve never seen a workplace Hanukkah display that didn’t shout, “We legally had to do this.”
People who call the Kentucky Derby “The Greatest Two Minutes in Sports” have never seen me have sex.
Did it hurt? When you saw the candy you bought yesterday going half price
Doctor: We need you to spit in this cup.
Me, making unbroken eye contact: Ptooey.
His kids disappoint him
He’s pissed off at life
He screams at the news
He yells at his wife
He once punched a Girl Scout
Who looked at him wrong
He tripped an old woman
For singing a song
Just stay out of his way
Or risk a black eye
He’s
do mermaids get waxed or descaled
DID YOU KNOW: Petting dogs is a video game, and if u pet a dog perfectly enough, u will unlock the ability to go to a dog’s Birthday Party
A sweet potato is just a regular potato that thinks that dress of yours is to die for
Me: Yes, I’d like the Mexican massage.
Masseuse: The what?
Me: *hands him taco seasoning and sour cream*
Masseuse:
Me: Let’s go, chop chop.
Be careful of what you say online because future employers might see it and will probably want to start hanging out with you
Y’all!! I’m dying I ordered delivery to my hotel and here they have a robot that takes it up to you. The robot got here and then REFUSED to give me my food and instead just said “going home now” and drove off. Haha the future is WILD y’all
[first day as a doctor]
patient: how bad is it
me: [forgetting the word for spine] you broke your bone rope
Not only did I finally find my car keys when I sat down on the couch I also got my first piercing
The wife says we have to eat all the stuff we’ve collected from fast food places tonight.
Looks like we’re having Taco Bell hot sauce, a bunch of salt & pepper, and a wet floor sign.
My wife’s been recovered from COVID for over a month and she still insists that it’s safer for me to sleep on the couch.
Him: Let’s make another baby
Her: WTAF??
Him: Yes
(Invention of the necktie)
I can’t figure out how to tie this silk noose. Looks like I’ll have to go to the dinner party after all.
I fold.
Origami Instructor: That’s why we’re here, yes.