Having a tattoo in a hidden place is really just entertainment for the coroner.
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im the guy responsible for throwing the chicken in the air for fried chicken commercials. i will never reveal my secret method’s
Coworker: Are you joining us for the team meeting in the conference room?
Me: Nah, I’ve got too much to do.
Coworker: That’s too bad, the boss brought in some donuts.
Me:
My 4yo is asserting dominance by calling me by my full name. I don’t like where this is going
Kissing a girl usually tastes like 3 bottles of wine, not cherry chapstick.
If you’ve ever wondered if your drunk Uncle would make a good President you aren’t wondering anymore.
Me: *skips*
My body: HEY REMEMBER WE CAN’T DO THAT ANYMORE
My father: you can’t tell me what to do! THERE ARE NO RULES.
Me: …Dad, this is a card game.
Party Tip:
At a 3-year-old’s birthday party, you can piss all over the bathroom. ALL OVER!!!! Nobody will suspect you.
Church should be less preachy and more eat-y.
bank robber: everyone against the wall. this is a hostage situation
me, a person extremely susceptible to stockholm syndrome: [tries to hold robber’s hand] hey
My dad, a Canadian: “I can’t believe Americans turned a single meal into a five day holiday”
My daughter asked if she could marry her brother when she got older and I was SO uncomfortable because I was NOT ready to tell her about Alabama yet
HER: it’s over between us
ME: is it because of all my embroidery puns?
HER: I thought you would stop
ME: sew it seamed
the DJ an hour ago: hey if someone lost a black sweater we found it ! seems like it belongs to a child
my sister: how funny would it be if that was mom’s
my mom just now: i lost my black sweater i think :/
I deserve a reward for backing out of my driveway without hitting one blade of grass, a sprinkler head, or a small tree.
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
The only occasions in which I will run:
– Zombie apocalypse
– Salma Hayek is handing out all-you-can-eat baby back ribs
If you really want me to pay attention to you, you’d mention sandwiches
My mom: why are you being so defensive
Also my mom: here is a 12-point presentation on how you can do everything better
“..and no one ever saw Kevin alive again.”
– My dad (driving my car): How long has your car been doing this?
– Me: …Doing what?
dad: you losing weight
me: are you asking me bc i look skinnier or because i changed my diet
dad: yes
i work as a dj on the side. i like to hide a speaker somewhere in the club and make it drown out my music with a home depot ad every five minutes. everybody runs around trying to shut it off, but no one can figure out where it’s coming from. my stage name is DJ ESPN’s Website
Change is always hard….
Especially when a jar of it falls on your head.
If dolphins are so smart how come I managed to trick one into investing all its savings in my phoney pyramid scheme?
Wife: for the last time buy a terrarium
Me: [drops 7 lizards into my shirt] why they already have a home
I could be happily married to some dude for 50 year an id still be textin ma pals like “omg do u think he likes me???”
I’m not saying I did terrible things last night but satan just woke up on my couch and he won’t make eye contact with me.
I don’t have a drafts folder. My tweeting style is “blender without the lid on”.