[hospital]
“The results are in. I’m afraid you have Bad Priorities Disease. You have 1 month to live.”But does my hair look good?
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I made the mistake of telling my son I found a hair on my chin and now he keeps calling me Pops
Trump wants to ban Muslims but if we learned anything from Prohibition it’s that people will just make Muslims in their bathtubs.
Burning rubber…
While driving a race car: Good
While using a condom: Bad
Fiction has to make sense.
Have your tribal tattoo call my tramp stamp and let’s make beautiful, douchey babies together.
[Cute Girl]: *in hot tub* Hey baby. Why don’t you come join me?
[Lobster]: No I’m good over here. That’s how my dad died.
What doesn’t kill you, forces me to reload.
*puts down window
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yes
*puts up window and drives away
My 5yo asked me where his shoes were and when I told him I didn’t know he told me “that’s not a good enough answer daddy” so where is he keeping all that audacity?
Accidentally got two shots of hand sanitizer so if you need me I’ll be rubbing my hands together for the rest of my life.
i love horror films but this one with the killer making people stay at their desks after work is next level sick.
Accidentally touched my kid’s toothpaste tube, do I just get a new hand now or what?
What North Korea really needs is a decent haircut.
BOWSER: Yo man, remember that time I kidnapped your girlfriend and sent like 2000 of my goons to try and kill you? Then you broke into my house and dumped me in the lava?
MARIO: Yeah.
BOWSER: Haha OK cool, you want to ride go karts later?
MARIO: I sure do!
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
Hairdresser: How do you feel about a chin length hairstyle?
Me: That depends
Her: On?
Me: Which chin you’re going by.
Weekend #HayaoMiyazaki
[at the drug store]
Employee: May I help you, sir?
Me (nervously): YEAH, I’M LOOKING FOR SOMETHING CALLED A “CHILL PILL”
Kid: Would you rather be invisible or be able to fly?
Me: Be invisible.
Kid: To fight bad guys, right?
Me, imagining breaking into a cheese shop and eating all the cheese: Totally.
Evil villain: I’ve been expecting you.
*Swivels around in swivel chair*
*Superhero runs over & spins chair faster*
Evil villian: WEEEEE!
My 3 year old asked how long he had to wait until he could stop listening to me. I told him he had to listen to me for the rest of his life. He looked me dead in the eyes and said, “I’ll listen to you for the rest of YOUR life.” Toddlers are cold-blooded, man.
I swallowed a Ice Cube and I haven’t pooped it out yet, I’m really scared you guys.
ME: There’s something fishy going on here.
YOU: It’s just an aquarium.
ME: Exactly.
I’m really happy because my pill bottle says, Do not iron while taking this medication.
if you’ve successfully completed 7 different impossible missions, perhaps the guy in charge of labeling these missions is being a little dramatic
Most arachnophobes end up secretly being spiders themselves
The Chopped contestants open their ingredients box, each finding the head of a loved one. Two scream, the third is thinking “bourbon glaze”.
Marie Curie: (getting huge doses of radiation from her work with highly radioactive materials).
Marie Curie’s Husband: Maybe we should talk about the element in the room.
Kid 1: Why’d you call me Aphrodite?
“After the Greek goddess of love”
Kid 2: What about me pop?
“You’re named after a famous chipmunk Alvin”
A child’s purpose is to help their parents relearn the states and capitals.