I say, “Hi, friend,” to every animal I see, every time I see one, so they know I’m not their enemy, even to my own pets & it lessens my chances of being attacked.
Therapist: *pinching bridge of nose* I don’t charge enough an hour for this.
Me: *sees his fish tank* “Hi, friend.”
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Me: Can I please be 7? It’s my lucky number.
Policeman: Get in the damn line up.
If you want your kid to repeat doing something then just say “don’t do that!”
Haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching a priest use a crucifix to break up a fight between a raccoon & a telephone repairman?
The average person swallows over 4,000 spiders each year. More than that. Tens of thousands. Hundreds of thousands of spiders. It’s crazy.
TACOS DRINK A LOT BUT
HER: I’m breaking up with you..
ME: Is it because W e A re I N a Bl a k H o l e ?
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Welcome to adulthood. Every time you login now, it’s a game of “Will I get into my account the first time” or “Will I be spending the rest of my life sitting here resetting my password forever.”
The only reason to engage with a neighbor is if either of you is on fire.
News “Don’t go outside. The temperatures are life threatening”
Hot flash “LOL. Challenge accepted.”
Not sure what’s more bizarre…me sitting on the porch at 2am having a candy cigarette…or that my neighbor just waved at me while watering his lawn.
money is tight this year. everybody is getting a macaroni necklace for christmas
If dogs have taught me anything, it’s that barking is a GREAT way to get rid of people you don’t want to speak to. Works for me EVERY TIME.
*At an auction*
Me: So…I’m outta cash. 😬
Host: What now? 🤨
Me *bids farewell*
me: have you seen my shoes?
dad: I saw them on your feet once
me: I’m serious can you be more specific
dad: hi serious, I’m more specific
i’m left-handed but sometimes i like to switch hands and do things with my right hand just to see what it’s like to work like a robot
Idea for dieting: Fridges with mirrors.
When complaining of a stomach ache, you don’t really need to point to it or pat it gently. People pretty much know where the stomach is.
Shout out to God for giving me the strength to walk away from stupid people without slapping them.
what if waldo was in the witness protection program and the books are just a way for the mafia to find him?
facte: you eat 28 spiders in your lifetime. always 28. if you are about to die and you have only eaten 3 then 25 spiders arrive at once
I thought I brushed my hair before I left for work, but the mirror in the office bathroom has a different opinion.
Everyone’s a gangster until you have to chase a plastic bag that the wind took.
Travel experts recommend carrying a second dummy wallet when visiting high crime areas, but I carry a third wallet as well. If a mugger approaches I start an elaborate game of 3-card Monte. “Where’s the money?” I ask. “Wrong!” There is none, I’m broke from buying a third wallet.
Read someone say, “just had a Starbucks lemon water with sugar Yumm!”
I never claimed to have an IQ higher than the temperature inside a refrigerator but I believe that’s called lemonade..
According to my iPhone Health app, I walked 1,787 steps around this Golden Corral buffet tonight …. So I got that going for me.
Accidentally got in the 10 items or less line with 11 items again, so I made two separate transactions so I wouldn’t piss anyone off.
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
This forever.
All I’m saying is Dorothy from The Wizard Of Oz has more confirmed kills than Willy Wonka.
When your realtor finds a quaint Tudor in your price range.