Keep finding mysterious rocks in the pockets of my 6 y/o’s sweatshirt after school.
Can’t tell whether she’s starting a collection or planning a 1st Grade Shawshank Redemption.
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Wanna be like jesus, walk on a cucumber, its 98% water, so you’re 98% jesus
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car…..
I saw nothing
The British Museum will take anything but jokes.
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
17 animal photos that will make you do a double take
I do my part to help the community by honking and being obnoxious when rich couples driving audi 4wds are surveying “charming properties” along the back roads
Friend: How’s your sex life?
Me: Why’d you say it like that?
F: Like what?
M: With airquotes and a guy playing sad trombone behind you
“Alexander’s not so Great” – younger brother, Steve the Ok
When your friend wants to do a drive by but none of us can see that good at night anymore.
u know how sum people get amnesia well i got opposite amnesia i remember everything ask me what i ate this morning. breakfast next question
Him: How many glasses of wine have you had today?
Me: One, but it was in the shape of a giant bottle.
Wife: Did you take out the trash?
Me, who is Steven Seagal and I just finished teaching some punks a lesson: Oh I took out the trash alright
Wife: The trash in the kitchen
Me: Oh that…no
This reads like the bunny is the First Lady and I can’t stop laughing.
I work from home and tend towards introvert
Him: (assessing the surroundings) when did you last leave the house?
Me: Saturday!
Him (familiar with my bullshit): WHICH Saturday?
My IQ used to be higher than my weight, but now I’m fat and dumb.
Important Valentine’s Day PSA:
Sure, we all think Cupid is cute, but you should never teach babies archery. If you think crying is annoying, just imagine a tantrum with flying arrows.
Be safe. If they’re under three, melee weapons only!
What’s the statute of limitations when you think of a comeback for an insult? Please say 17 years.
ME: *watching the sun rise* ugh, this shit again?
THE SUN: *watching the earth rotate around until I appear* ugh, this shit again?
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation that there is someone out there that cares enough about me to kill me.
[phone rings]
“We’ve removed your son’s missing picture from our milk cartons.”
“You found him?”
“No, people stopped buying milk.”
911: How can I help you?
Me: MY HAND IS STUCK IN THIS PRINGLES CAN… I’M PANICKING
911: Let go of the chip Sir
Me: oh, ok….all good now
I’m not a religious person but I am thankful that God didn’t make spiders that fly.
best lyric of all time is when elton John was like “if I was a sculptor, but then again no” like pls I’m on the edge of my seat .. what were you going to do as a sculptor Elton!?!!!
What’s the new etiquette rule: am I supposed to wait until everyone is done photographing their meals before I start eating mine?
Sneak into the employee bathroom at Target and make some violent alien noises, maybe leave a jellyfish in the toilet
I’d like to see the dollar store get a liquor license.
[Carnac the Magnificent]
Donald Trump
Hannibal Lector
Liver and fava beans*opens envelope*
“Name a winner, a skinner, and a dinner”
[puts dog in car]
Me to wife: just gonna take her to the vet
Wife: why u whispering
[car screeches away]
Me with wife in headlock: thats why