Whelp. It’s December. That time of year when I have zero excuse for being so sweaty.
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The computer beat me in chess so I’m downloading viruses
When my son handed me my wallet I realized something important.
He’s a pickpocket.
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did.
MOM: Where’s your father?
My sister forgot the words for “national anthem” and just suggested we learn the “Canadian Theme Song.”
I think about wizards and dragons way more than a wizard of 3 small dragons should. Dammit I meant mother of 3 small dragons. Dammit I meant
The lazy river is my favorite ride at this amusement park. “Ahhhhh!” I scream as I float in a giant circle, not spilling my drink at all
If a girl says she loves you, do you tell her thank you or run away screaming? Asking for a dad.
Seriously, asking for a dad. I need a dad.
Tapping your wrist is the international sign for “I’m running late”.
Millennial: blank stare
I’ve found that women are never, impressed by what guys think will impress them. Also I just ran out of gas doing donuts in the parking lot
When people with bible quotes in their bio follow me…I don’t know man. I think you’re gonna have a bad time
CEOs: we are closed, nobody wants to work anymore
also CEOs:
4yo: THAT WAS ENOUGH SCHOOL
Me: That was… your first day.
4yo: YEP.
Me: You have school again tomorrow, kiddo.
4yo: NAH, I THINK I’M GOOD.
Kim Kardashian’s birthday is today AND she got engaged to Kanye West! It’s almost like it was made for TV! Wait….
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
make your kid’s birthday party a special one they’ll be talking about in therapy for years
“I’m not like other American tourists.” I tell the waiter, who looks at us puzzled, so I sigh and repeat myself slower and louder.
Whenever I’m in a waiting room full of miserable looking people, I really regret not bringing my ukulele.
Welcome to marriage. He had a dream I made salmon pot roast and woke me up just to tell me how terrible it was.
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
Apple has solved laptop theft by making them obsolete by the time thieves get out the door.
You know instead of saying half a dozen you could just say 6, right?
*me talking to a couple* so who’s the 6 and who’s the 9?
To all newly married guys…..
If you screw up Valentine’s Day, you’ll be celebrating Palm Sunday for a long time.
[pet store]
Me: your parrot called me a cracker.
Manager: maybe he was asking..
[from the back] TALK YOUR SHIT WHITE BOY *parrot whistle*
If you’re looking for an experimental couple, we’re trying a new chicken recipe tonight, hit us up.
“Great. Like the short arms thing wasn’t humiliating enough.”
Alex Jones said that lesbians are torturing women and eating their brains.
Ummmmm…Alex? That’s not
What
We
Eat.
[On The Cross]
Jesus:”Father, forgive them, fore they know no-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”