Her: So do you like hash browns?
Me: I like pretty much anything I can smoke and please don’t call me browns
You Might Also Like
*maintains eye contact with the McDonald’s employee while slowly filling my cargo shorts with free napkins*
shoutout to the guy who invented the term “water resistant”. a true hall of fame lie
I just learned that embalmers insert butt plugs into corpses to prevent leakage….
So now I know why zombies walk like they do.
If sharks are so tough how come not a single one turned up to fight me behind the school last Friday
The Hobbit 4:
Bilbo’s relatives auction off his stuff
Bilbo puts on his ring
One by one, his relatives die under mysterious circumstances
list of casinos I need to burn down in order to prevent my credit score from going to the dogs: ceaser palace, trump cube, chuck e cheese,
At dinner my husband hollered, “I’m going to run off to a place where I’m appreciated!”
My daughter: Don’t take my Barbie backpack.
My son: Can someone pass the butter?
My mother: You married her.
I like men in uniform, but sometimes it’s hard to flirt when they’re handcuffing me for menacing or rescuing me from another kitchen fire.
Your honor these allegations are
Him: Everything happens for a reason
Me: Tomorrow is yesterday’s bosom
Him: What
Me: Oh, I thought we were doing a thing where we both say dumb shit
no their not
Co-Worker: Any of you ever smoke a turkey?
Me: No, I always have trouble finding papers big enough to roll it in.
Son: What’s for dinner?
Me: Cake.
Son: Yay! I want cake!
Me: What are the magic words?
Son: I LOVE YOU MORE THAN I LOVE MOM.
Me: Here ya go.
Hey honey, wanna role play?
I’ll be Dexter.
I was pretty sure I spotted Ted Danson last night. Not doing much, just Danson in the streets
Good morning people…..I woke up feeling myself this morning….wait that doesn’t sound right. What I meant is I woke up feeling confidant
I’m not mad at Bezos for going into space. I’m mad at him for coming back.
Who’s drunk
*raises leg
My husband texted me from work to ask if our son’s cough was wet or dry and I was like whoa whoa whoa, there’s only room for one fake doctor in this family
My friend and I were talking about food and he said “I’m not a big Chinese guy” and I was like “I know you’re not”
HEY OFFICER, STOP SCREAMING AT ME TO PULL OVER, I’M DRUNK NOT DEAF
Ramadan month is exhausting. You have to wait all day to Instagram your food.
Pro Tip: If you stand outside a restaurant wearing a red jacket, people will literally just give you their car.
Phew. Zero percent juice. That was a close call.
“Well … I’ll be dammed.”
Bodies of water when they see beavers coming.
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
TAYLOR SWIFT: Aw here are some band aids
ME: THOSE DON’T FIX BULLETHOLES
TS: *picks up guitar* …brb
ME: I’M STILL DYING
grandma what big eyes u have
The better to see u with my dear
What big ears u have
Well thats kinda rude
What big teeth u have
Ur grounded
Tony Hawk: *does a 360*
Tony Owl: *does a 360 while doing a 180*
The only appropriate time to ask a woman if she’s pregnant is when you see her peeing on a stick.
I would follow a stranger into a dark alley if they promised me potato wedges