I’m really excited about this amateur autopsy club I just joined.
Tomorrow is open Mike night.
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Girl, are you any art project I made as a child? Because you don’t look great and my mom is having difficulty pretending to like you.
I keep a knife & cream cheese in my pockets in case i’m attacked by somebody with a plain bagel
if u put a disguise on a cow then legally the cow is incowgnito
I hate it when pretentious people try to use big words to make themselves appear photosynthesis.
These e-cigarettes keep getting bigger and bigger. I swear I just saw someone smoking a clarinet.
You’d think people would be more understanding it’s my first day as a tattoo artist.
HER: what are you doing?
ME:
*closes page
*deletes history
*performs factory reset
*throws phone against the wall
nothing why, what’s up?
If you own a karate dojo and you don’t make your employees answer the phone “Hiiiiiiiiya”
You’re doing it wrong
Interviewer: “So why should we hire you?”
Me: “Cause I need a job very badly.”
Interviewer: “So?”
Me: “And you have a vacancy. BINGO”
When you feel unsuccessful, keep in mind that there are professional Bigfoot hunters.
[scale says I’ve gained 5 pounds]
Me: It’s probably just what I’m wearing.
Wife: You’re naked.
Me:
Wife:
Me: It’s a heavy deodorant.
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [wearing a jean jacket] trust me
prosecutor: [walks in wearing two jean jackets]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
Me: Let me shift gears for just a second
Bus driver: Go back to your seat!
I told my family we’re gonna axe some of our 5 streaming services, and my teens looked at me like I was some kind of murderer.
i have a lot to offer! most of it’s bad but it’s still a lot
[Watching the sunset over Paris]
BF: My darling *goes down on one knee*
GF: OH MY GOD!!
BF: THIS is how I proposed to my last girlfriend
[hears a baby crying on the train]
Can somebody put that thing on silence please?
“It’s a baby..”
…
“…”
Vibrate?
Time is precious, waste it wisely.
Dogs look like they’ve received some really sad news when they watch you eat.
Googled how to seduce a guy and Google replied – girl if you have to ask it ain’t gonna happen.
I hate it when healthy me does the groceries, because now fat me needs a snack.
The downside to posting jokes all the time is that if I tweeted “Help, I am in an Iranian prison” everyone would be like “haha good one”
Twitter is like swimming in the ocean. Sometimes, it a beautiful sight. Occasionally, you find others like you. And you have no idea how many times you’ve passed a shark.
I’d congratulate you on the birth of your first child, but I have 2 of my own so here’s a sympathy card and a case of wine.
[Restaurant]
“Good evening sir, would you like to hear the specials?”
Yes please
“THIS TOWN (AHH AHHH) IS COMIN LIKE A GHOST TOWN”
They should put a statue of me next to the Statue of Liberty so immigrants know the American Dream is hit or miss.
killing the conversation in the discord by posting a picture of me eating an eggplant like an apple
My wife and I have started making videos of plates and bowls that we’re selling from home while snowed in.
Now is the winter of our dish content.
*Santa lifts a rug while sweeping and finds a dusty, crumpled note*
“Please keep my family safe, love Bruce Wayne.”
*Santa grows very pale*