Today our 4yo insisted on a large bowl of Golden Grahams, banana, and milk for breakfast, so long story short, my breakfast was 99% of a large bowl of Golden Grahams, bananas and milk
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*on a first date*
Me: I’m in financ-
Her: oh finance that’s cool
Me: ial debt. Crippling financial debt
Subway sandwich employee said he wears the gloves “cuz the meat stings.”
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I was putting my jeans on.
Are people with googly eyes better at searching for stuff?
Anyone know a good air guitar repair man?
I broke mine in the last battle.
Me: Janet’s boyfriend reminds me of Gandhi
Wife: He looks nothing like him
Janet’s bf: [tapping on car window] Don’t forget about Gandhi
Hey! Welcome to Urban Outfitters. Are you a baby-sized woman or a woman-sized man?
[briefing]
CIA DIRECTOR: We have a leak…
CIA PLUMBER: (slowly stands up)
CIA DIRECTOR: In our operation.
CP: (slowly sits back down)
Maybe women decided to convince men that beards were sexy because they were sick of cleaning the washbasin after he shaved
DOCTOR: to prevent germs from spreading you should sneeze into your elbow
T-REX: oh great
*makes breakfast for two
*eats both of them
no one:
my brain:
key largo montego
olivia rodrigo
Me: Bless me father for I have sinned…
Priest texting me back: I already told you, I’m not absolving u of your sins unless you come in.
I haven’t ordered anything from Amazon in a week, and they just sent local law enforcement by the house to do a welfare check.
My wife isn’t international so we don’t celebrate
You can lead a horse to water You can leave your horse behind. Cuz your horse don’t dance n if he don’t dance then he ain’t no horse of mine
Me: I can’t believe you read horoscopes, such garbage.
Her: You’re right. When are you shaving again?
Me: Not til after the playoffs..why?
[takes a deep drag on a cigarette & stares off into the distance] Sometimes a man needs to unplug everything and be alone with his thoughts… and a 3lb corned beef brisket. And a jar of deli mustard. And some rye bread. Maybe a dark beer, but the point is a man needs alone time.
seems the leprechauns have supply chain issues just like everybody else
*My parents at my birth*
Mom: she’s beautiful
Dad: she’s perfect.
Precognitive doctor: One day she will have a “top three” monkey gifs.
I learned all my flirting from lizards so I just do a bunch of really fast pushups when I see a cute lizard.
If I could pick a superpower it would be to clone myself so the other me could answer the 4,291,386 questions my 4 year old asks daily
Ethan isn’t playing around this semester
I was offering free mammograms in the company parking lot long before my employer was doing it.
omg we watched the muppet movie for the first time tonight and my 8yo says “oh, kermit! I like him because he’s from all those memes” as if kermit just appeared one day drinking tea saying but that’s none of my business
As long as you’re good at blending in, you can be part of Brad and Angelina’s family too.
*husband lifts up hood of car*
H: Aimee, could you…
Me: *honks horn*
H: *jumps* Damnit Aimee, don’t…
Me: *honk*
H:
Me: *honk*
I just released my own fragrance.
Now everyone in the car is pissed off.
date: you look nice
me: well you look very [peeks at thesaurus under the table]…ornate