Husband: you’re in great condition.
Me: are you complimenting me or writing a craigslist ad?
You Might Also Like
I just got a text from someone I don’t know. They say they’re sick and vomitting.
Should I tell them that vomitting only has one T?
Who needs Google when you’ve got a brother-in-law who knows it all?
Wanna feel old? Subtract your birth year from the current year.
Good morning to everyone except the sentient computer who locked me out of the space station
Throwing it back to 3 weeks ago today, when I came home for lunch…and I’m still here.
Twitter should have ” Throwing tomato” button.
Me: I’m the world’s most gullible person
Friend: really?
Me: well apparently not
People who genetically engineer food, why don’t you make celery that tastes like Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups? I bet that would shut people up
Doctor: I need to draw some blood
Me *hands him a red crayon* haha
Doctor *stabs it in my arm* haha
we stopped at three kids. our cable spool dining table only seats five comfortably
It’s amazing how people will leave you alone if you just commit to faking a British accent all day
Pack a bag, we’re going on a tangent.
Twitter 2013: “Come and see what fun things your favourite celebrities are up to!”
Twitter 2023: “Your old favourite celebrities are now convinced lizard people are trying to take away your car and replace them with genders”
If someone tells you they don’t like some particular word, do not torment them with it. To do so is totally moist.
*Detective stands over murder victim*
This looks like a case of…
*Takes off sunglasses*
*Removes contacts*
*Brushes teeth*
*Goes to bed*
This year for Mothers Day, I’d just like all the charging cables back that my kids have stollen from me
I donate blood 5 times a year just so I’m less and less related to some of my relatives.
There should be a hotline you can call where you can safely pronounce words you’ve only ever read out loud for the first time, and they say “oh sweetie” and kindly explain how it’s pronounced.
(Scientist: On average, you swallow at least three spiders when you’re sleeping)
Me: That’s the last time I allow scientist to watch me sleep
little girl: he was a gift
horse dentist: then I cannot help you
Twenty years ago today I walked across the stage and proudly accepted a diploma from Harvard University, a day I’ll never forget. I was promptly tackled by security and charged with trespassing, but man, what a moment.
Hey chicks who wear a buttload of make-up. Don’t borrow someone else’s iPhone to make a call. You leave half of your face on the screen.
A pet is a great way for kids to learn about death. For instance, I had a snake and that killed four of my friends.
It’s legally required that you lose a frisbee onto the roof within one hour of purchase
everyone on the saturday night live thing pronounced it sarynyelive
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH DUCKS
1. Vulnerable to attack by foxes b/c they’re too lazy to learn karate
2. Out of millions of ducks, only one (Scrooge McDuck) has conquered the business world. PATHETIC SUCCESS RATE
3. Too many handouts. GET A JOB AND BUY YOUR OWN BREAD YOU LAZY DUCKS
Why do zombies all have such shitty clothes?! It’s like you JUST died, how did you mess up your shirt that bad
It’s like my Uncle said, no body, no crime
Coworker: I only asked how your weekend was…
*Turns on work computer*
*Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately locks computer as it’s now lunchtime*
*Logs back into computer. Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately closes down computer as it’s time to go*
I can’t afford Ugg boots, so I just never shave below the knee to create the illusion that I’m wearing them.