ME: You’re a silly sausage aren’t you?
SAUSAGE: [peering over spectacles] I may have acted out in my youth but that’s not what defines me.
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To the guy who turned the entire first floor of his house into a giant ball pit – I will find you, and I will marry you
The best thing about coming from a big family is being able to talk louder than normal people.
do you like my signals
I mixed them myself
Sometimes I like to call random numbers and if an older man answers I’ll say, “Hi. I know this sounds crazy, but I’m your daughter.”
Army barbers get paid to shave their privates.
Thoughts that keep me awake….
why don’t flamingos have one really muscley leg?
*this tweet is brought to you by rum…*
Me: If you can’t wear white after Labor Day why do people dress up as ghosts for Halloween?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
Doctors who give out lollipops really treat their patients
Oh my God.
I really wish Facebook would stop suggesting that I make a FB story while showing me the most recent photo in my camera roll, it’s my freaking grocery shopping list
Fly restaurant:
Waiter, there’s a man in my soup
For some reason I’m an extremely secretive
person. Don’t ask me why
“DOUG YOU’RE THE NEXT CONTESTANT ON THE PRICE IS RIGHT!”
[camera pans to me struggling with Doug for his name tag]
When my laptop asks “Are you sure?”, it’s because it still remembers all of the other bad decisions I have made.
[trick or treating]
“Oh, what a cute little…what’s she doing?”
Me: potty training.
“In my pumpkin?!”
Me: She likes the heated seat.
The best place on the internet is the reviews of hats for cats because every review is like “5 stars, amazing hat” and then a picture of the cat looking absolutely furious
A Lunch Poem:
Some people buy theirs in local food shops,
While others eat donuts (especially cops).Some jerks heat fish that they bring in a bag,
And stink up the kitchen, making me gag.Me? I’ll check the fridge on a hunch
That Glenn from Accounting brought a good lunch.
My ex used to cook & set off the fire alarm every morning while I was asleep. He refused to cook at other times & said it was his “routine.” My new boyfriend is a large dragon that cooks entire villages in one breath & lets me sleep. Don’t give up. There is someone for everyone.
My can opener broke so now it’s a can’t opener.
“Hey, wanna hangout?” “Later.” “Now?” “No, later” “How about now?” “Jesus christ.” -if Adobe Updater was your friend
Turns out you don’t need to have a large gathering to still argue about religion and politics.
When Sting dies I’m calling him Stung.
Mommy what’s an “Act of God?”
Me: *Flashback to my CrossFit trainer* Well dear, an “active god” is in his mid-20s and has a smokin hot body
Accidentally spilled some rice on my iPhone, so am now going to have to leave it submerged in water overnight.
I’ve decided to stop wearing a very comfortable maternity romper I love. I figure it’s finally time, now that I’m 84 months postpartum.
Table for one, please.
Ma’am, your family is right behind you.
The Church used to teach that all babies that die go to Limbo, but it was easy for them because they’re so short.
my retirement plan is recording a hit Christmas song, i just need to learn how to sing and write music
Introducing new iPhone 5 features:
– Patented Ultrablack color technology.
– Siri is less of a cunt.
– Contains 1 mg of Steve Jobs’ ashes.
Microwave safe? It doesn’t seem like a sensible place to keep your valuables.