[sees a guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
Me: dude that thing’s for bears
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The toddler has started to understand more of my BAD language. So my swear words have become a bit more PG… Fudgesicles! Oh Sugar! Sweet Nibblets! Holy Guacamole!
Basically, swearing now makes me hungry.
*sticks a pencil in your ear and manually rewinds you back before you opened your mouth*
Today sucked so much it featured a guest verse from Pitbull
My kid just made me google the various answer percentages to cheat a Harry Potter Sorting Hat quiz so she’d get Slytherin- which I guess qualifies her.
Why do they call her “Grumpy Cat” and not “Sourpuss?”
no officer these drugs aren’t mine i stole them
The beauty of a text message is that it transcends time. You respond at your leisure. Unless it’s from your wife, then you have 30 seconds.
DAD: I invented a diaper that’s also a time machine!
MOM: Where do the poops go
DAD: dunno!
[CUT TO: A BUNKER IN GERMANY, 1942]
HITLER: omfg
Remember kids, the Toys R Us bankruptcy and liquidation teaches us that poor spelling and grammar will always catch up with you eventually.
Doctor: your test came back, it isn’t good
Me: am I going to die?
Doctor: without treatment, yes
Me: I’ll do anything, what’s the cure?
Doctor: you just need to eat black licorice
Me: *grabbing my coat* I’ll see you in hell
Doctor: how often do you consume alcohol; like, once a week, three or four times a week, every day?
Me [sipping wine out of a travel cup]: ummm… occasionally
murderer: [rips open my shower curtain] why are you wearing shoes
I hate men who say “where’s my hug?” Uhhh I don’t know, where’s your mom at?
I was wondering how lightning worked, then it struck me.
Whoever decided to make Peeps flavored Pepsi and NOT call it Peepsi committed the biggest fumble in the history of sugar
Medium: You want to contact your late husband?
Me: Yes.
Medium: How do you intend to pay for this?
Me: OMG it’s him.
If you feel hopeless about the world and your place in it, I can recommend something. Turn off all electronic devices, close your eyes, and sit still for 5 minutes. It won’t help, but now you’re 5 minutes closer to being dead and not having to worry about it.
I like soap operas because you never have to wonder who the villain is, they are the one wearing an eye patch. No gentlemen pirates on a soap opera
Brewmaster: Get out of there at once!
(Me, splashing giddily in vat): IT’S OK I’M WEARING UNDIES
Neighbor was watering her plants as if they owed her money like how would YOU like to be waterboarded lady
Steve Austin: nice to meet you
Medusa: the pleasure is mine
Stone Cold Steve Austin:
I’ve become totally immune to clickbait and YOU WON’T BELIEVE HOW I DID IT.
Women hate it when you call them ma’am or sleep with their friends.
I like to sleep naked, I love the feeling of the sheets against my skin.
On an unrelated note I’m not allowed in Ikea anymore
(One of my sons murders the other) hey cut the crap. both of you. knock it off
ME: let me take you to a nice dinner
HER: ok
ME: somewhere they make the food right there in front of you
HER: oh like Benihana?
ME: (slipping subway coupons back in my pocket) I guess so
1 PM: I can’t wait to go to bed
1 AM: I should reorganize the garage
Inside of you are two wolves. Inside of me are twenty one insane weasels. We are not the same
I didn’t eat the side of fries bc they were soggy, room temperature and not bringing any joy. So yeah I’m on the Marie Kondo diet now.
Parenting means begging your kids to leave you alone for 5 minutes only to freak out when it’s been 10 minutes and realizing that you don’t know where they are.