Cancelling plans is okay. Having your friend over even though he insulted you is okay. Taking him to your wine cellar to show him your rare Amontadillo is okay. Sealing him in with bricks and entombing him alive is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
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*holds seashell to ear* new shell who dis
Gotta be tough for the guy somewhere who has to say “yeah, she left me for Charles Manson.”
Billion dollar idea: An app that sends you a text when the light turns green.
disguised vampire: i put my sweat and tears into this project
boss: what about blood
disguised vampire: huh?
boss: *narrowing eyes* you do have blood right
disguised vampire: haha vhat do u mean
Sure I wish I had focused more on my finances, but back then who knew money would catch on.
My daughter asked me this morning
if this year for Halloween
instead of a mermaid
she could be a wet ghost.Um, a what now?!
This child was talking about a damn JELLYFISH
GF: that spoon is still dirty
ME: but I just got it out of the dishwasher
GF: I can see the mayo on it
ME: yeah but it’s clean mayo now
yeah no that’s fair
I consider it a personal victory everytime that I don’t ask a person wearing a leg cast if they’ve broken their leg.
A friend was talking about her cat bringing her another dead mouse and my ADHD brain did a side quest imagining my snake calling a cat for Door Dash.
I can’t stand fake people.
Unless you’re with me and we are faking that we are sober for a cop.
Then you need to be Oscar winning fake.
Marriage tip: There is never an appropriate time after a meal your wife cooked to say “This is not what Jesus died for”.
Kangaroo: SOMEONE TOOK MY BABY
911: try to remain calm
Kangaroo: PLEASE FIND MY…wait..
911: was it in your-
Kangaroo: it was in my pocket
TT: At sunday dinner I like to perform an impromptu puppet show with the roast chicken. This week it’s my interpretation of Die Hard 2.
*a ship carrying pineapples gets wrecked*
Government: Housing infrastructure for SpongeBobs was delivered directly to them, cutting out all the red tape, and middlemen.
IDEA: an app that tells you where that bruise came from.
Her: I live in Wales.
Me: like Jonah
Me trying to make small talk with my new co-workers
Dear Santa,
Please send gift cards. Your taste has gotten significantly worse in recent years.
Boss: It’s a make or break situation!
Me: I’ll take a break then tnx
Having a lot of conversations where I sigh heavily and say “Yeah I just don’t think enough people are prepared for the possibility that this may never really end” except no one knows I’m talking about the chicken sandwich wars
I wear black because it’s slimming. Exercise is also slimming, but like I said, I wear black.
Don’t worry guys. I’ve got a scented candle and THREE healing crystals. I’ll have Twitter fixed up by noon tomorrow
The worst thing about having kids is that they grow up, but the best thing about having kids is that they grow up.
*puts spider in the ocean*
“Now go free and flourish into an octopus.”
*cuts girl in half & puts in ocean*
“Mermaid probably.”
I don’t use dating sites, I meet girls the old fashioned way: never
Ugh I can’t stand him. I’m not gonna go into it but let me just say this…
[40 min later]
…and you should see the way he ties his shoes, I hope he dies
[repeatedly mashing elevator button]
him: you know that doesn’t make it come any quicker
[starts licking elevator button]
Bringing a carrot-and-raisin salad to a potluck is a subtle way to let people know you hate them.
“So send me a picture of you…”
*sends*
“Look I need to leave very abruptly and extremely forever.”