Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
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I know a girl that can hide eggs where your kids will never find them.
The teenage boy cashier just told my wife that her tampon coupon is expired…and all of Target went silent.
I used to think girls were super nice to each other in bar washrooms until my friend came back from one thinking she should get bangs
this woman in the target parking lot tossed her mcdonalds bag and drink out of her window but jokes on her she left her window down before going inside so I tossed that shit back in
“why do you take so long in the shower?”
me:
If you work for UPS or FedEx, you speak Parceltongue.
BREAKING: Popeye Expresses Outrage as Pope Goes to Mount Olive
[harry potter, college edition]
Voldemort: the boy who lived, come t-
Harry: yeah yeah just kill me already
Voldemort: wh-what
Harry: i’m $100k in debt and i have a masters in communications
Voldemort: *giggling* on second thought nevermind
*3:27 am. batman rubs his eyes as he slowly walks up & switches off the giant spotlight that’s creating the bat signal in the sky. he turns to the crowd*
what do you guys want now?
“This is the coolest underwater sci-fi movie ever.”
-me, drunk, watching the pool vac
What I say: I’m on a diet. What my mom hears: please cook delicious food and buy chocolate.
I managed to worm my way into this dancing competition
boss: you know what’s weird
me: how the flintsones celebrate Christmas even tho they live in 10,000 b.c?
boss: how the flin— yes exactly
HER: Can I give you my new number?
ME: *Eye roll* I REALLY doubt you came up with a number I don’t already know.
As a Californian, the most frightening thing about the movie Psycho, is the thought of leaving the shower water running for that long.
People refuse to believe you when they ask what you do for fun and you say “sit quietly at home.”
They’re like, “haha, no, if you can do anything!”
Like, yeah dude, this conversation is what’s preventing me from living my dream. As soon as we’re done, guess what I’m gonna do?
I’m tired of being the strong one. I want to be a noodle.
Doctor: Any cancer in the family?
Me: My mom is a Sagittarius, but I’ll have to check on everyone else.
Doc: …
My 3yo told me he was going to clean up the mess by punching it and I was like, “Dude, I’ve tried and it doesn’t work.”
Sometimes I like to put on a dark wig, a floppy hat, and huge sunglasses, and pretend I’m a mystery woman.
Sadly my husband keeps recognizing me.
Her: Your house has a lot of cool stuff in it… Who plays the piano?
Me: Pretty much anybody who is trying to get on somebody’s nerves.
Her: I <3 you.
Me: I… I sideways balls you too.
Movies didn’t prepare us for the apocalypse to be this stupid
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
“Crunchy” peanut butter is just peanut butter that gave up in the process.
Don’t be like crunchy peanut butter.
{Comes home after watching Beauty & the Beast}
ME: *Throws dumb non-singing teapot on the ground* You’re not even trying.
I went on WebMD and I either have Covid or I’m getting my period
“My great-grandma went to jail for making moonshine” was probably not the family history topic my son’s teacher expected.
Tried to impress 9 by making up sentences containing 3 of her vocabulary words at once, so now she knows what “nerd” means.
When a person says a book is so good they can’t put it down, but yet, are not holding that book.
This is why I have trust issues.