Me: *covers foot with blanket*
Monster 1: *about to grab my foot anyway*
Monster 2: *quickly pulling him back* NO. we have to respect the blanket Franklin
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I hate this app so much. This rebrand is awful. If you need to reach me, you can find me here engaging in content and regularly posting
How can I say no to this ?
She says talking to me is like talking to a kid.
Therapist: And how many years has this been going on?
*holds up 6 fingers* This many
I don’t need anyone with a so-called degree “to” tell me I use quotes wrong.
*watching horror movie where young couple moves into new house & scary things happen* This is unrealistic they could never afford this house
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with her student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
Wife: OMG, stop saying that. You’re embarrassing me. You’re a waiter at a BBQ restaurant.
Me: I’ll thank you to refer to me as a porking attendant.
You wait until midnight for the next game of wordle? So basically you wait and wait and there’s all this hooplah for three minutes of fun? This reminds me of something.
Waiter: *sets down check*
Me: my treat
Her: thank you so much
Me: *grabbing mint on check* for what
The pigeons behind my apartment are fighting for claim to half a rain soaked hotdog. Fighting me.
WIFE: Who was at the door?
ME: More carol singers.
HER: What did they sing?
ME: Silent Night
HER: I hope you didn’t t-
ME: I twerked.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i can cry
professor x: on command?
me: no just when i’m sad or whatever
professor x: you don’t punch a hole in the drywall?
me: nope
professor x: wow [writes on notepad] logan are you hearing this?
Instructor: Welcome to our Summer with Kids Preparedness class. Our first lesson is how to apply sunscreen. Everyone grab an angry raccoon.
Me (looking up at the clock): Oh no, boys and girls we were working so hard we missed recess! I’m so sorry that I forgot.
6yo: (patting my arm) That’s ok, I think that happens when you start to get older.
I asked my niece if she had a newspaper.
She told me newspapers are old school.
She said everyone uses tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad.
That fly never stood a chance.
ramen noodles. roman numerals. raman numeroodles.
do not take my piercings out for my funeral or i WILL be back
A neighbor asked my 5 yo if we had fun plans this weekend and he responded “we will probably go on a walk after dinner.”
Buckle up folks, things are about to get crazy.
A short story about romance.
New relationship be like, “what you doing?” ….”just drinking water”…”ok darling plz be careful”
Hand sanitizer either smells like springtime and freshness or an alcoholic bus driver who will beat your germs to death with the power of his rum breath.
The gym is like church to some people. No matter what they do all week, they think they can erase it with one visit.
I miss the old days when street gangs asserted their dominance through aggressive hair combing.
[ikea date]
him: let’s go check out the beds 😉
me: *mouthful of meatballs* they sell furniture here?
A N U S
B U T T
M U F F
~ My reply when the optometrist asks me to read the lower lines, regardless of what I see
I have come up with the most awkward event of all time: the Father-Son wedding dance.
Could you Christian rock singers please invest in a thesaurus. I think God is fully aware by now that you think he is “great” and “awesome.”
Please stop bullying people into watching TV shows where you just have to make it through the first 3 seasons before it starts getting good.
me: [wheezing, checks fitbit]
fitbit: you’re lying on the floor eating a burrito, wtf do u want from me
A jerk is like a bad movie. You know within 5 minutes.