[dating site message]
So is that blank silhouette in your profile a recent blank silhouette?
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You seem like someone who doesn’t take the plastic off before you make the grilled cheese.
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two – one to screw it most of the way and the other to give it a surprise twist at the end.
My grandma just described my grandads driving as erotic and I’m seriously hoping she meant erratic or grandma has some kinks I don’t wanna know about
My birthday is tomorrow. I accept gift cards, cash, cheesecake, or a beach house. You pick.
[meeting a girl at the bar]
ME (nervously cracking every knuckle): hi I’m brandon
GIRL: please let go of my hands
A new poll shows that half of people would keep their current car forever if they could. “And now you CAN!” said the cost of living.
Me *at my office*: “Do you need someplace to put that out?”
Client: “I’m not smoking.”
Me: “No, I meant your kid.”
*Last Will & Testament
And to my children, I leave this pile of paper scraps with ingredients written on them, but not any measurements or the name of the recipe those ingredients are supposed to make.
age 20: I was in a car accident, my ride is totaled. I won’t be into work until after lunch
age 40: I did something to my back brushing my teeth, I need to lie down for 3 weeks
“Bjork” would make a great name for a beet-based pork substitute.
Interviewer: says here you’re a sniper
Me [opening gun case]: affirmative
Interviewer: is that a Supersoaker with a Pringles can taped to it
All of these jokes are gonna be a lot less funny when I die of laundry.
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you’ll save from not having a social life.
Won “Typo of the Moth” again at work.
So apparently “mind how you go” isn’t a universally used phrase. We’ve always said it in our family (especially in Ireland). My girlfriend’s parents looked at me like I was speaking Welsh when I said it.
HIM: We need to decide who to eat first as we’re stuck on this desert island
ME: Actually it’s a “deserted” island
H: Ok so that was easy
50% of modern life is trying to figure out what’s beeping.
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week, and it makes me nervous.
ME: Thank you for your service.
VETERINARIAN: Again, I’m not that kind of vet.
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME: Thank you for your purrvice.
DENTIST: I need to test how sensitive you are
ME: Ok
DENTIST: You have a stupid haircut
ME *lip starts trembling*
DENTIST: I see
Person: *falls in love with me*
Me: I have felt bad for a spoon I accidentally threw away because it probably thinks I don’t want it anymore and, why is it the only spoon the in the trash.
Person: ok cool, never mind.
*peels off yoga pants to reveal even yogier pants*
The most important lesson I learned from watching The Muppet Show is when cooking meth always test your product on the drummer of the band
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship?
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
My 3 moods:
1. I’m too tired for this shit
2. I’m too old for this shit
3. I’m too sober for this shit
“We had unprotected sex. Give us a present.” — the subtext of every baby shower
My little sister graduated high school and her quote i-