my niece is 6 and she hates wearing jeans because she hates the zippers and how they scrunch up. but she doesn’t call them jeans, she calls them “weiner pants” and i wish i didn’t find that out as she yelled it in the store.
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Nephew just whispered something into a Cadbury Easter Bunny’s ears then broke off its head.
I’m sleeping with the lights on.
*calls boss*
Me: I can’t come to work.
Boss: Why not?
Me: Gotham city needs me.
Boss: …You’re not Batman.
Me: Oh, yes, yes, exaaaactly.
Friggin’ narcs ruin everything
a cute girl stopped behind my laptop as I was full screen on a pic of bread and I didn’t know what to say so I stammered out “I like bread”
Friend – I just got mugged by a guy walking his dog!
Me – What kind of dog was it? What was it’s name? Was it cute? Did you pet it?
every For Him gift guide is just like “have you considered sock?? what about TOOL??“
(Creating the platypus)
God: Make that beaver think a duck is sexy and then they, *hip thrusts*
Angel: What?
God: You know *hip thrusts*
Be grateful for those who keep your secrets.
That way you don’t have to kill them & go to prison.
funny that they call it a bell pepper, and yet the onion rings
THERAPIST: tell me about your childhood
THE PREDATOR FROM ALIEN VS PREDATOR: well, when I was a child predator…
THERAPIST: ok, first let’s talk about phrasing
“Hand me that pillowcase. Nope, that’s a coverlet. No, that’s a sham. That’s my nightgown. That’s a duvet cover.”
~Excerpt from my book, “Making the Bed with the Mrs.”
“racially charged” makes it sound like y’all out here buying triple K batteries
My daughter is late coming down to breakfast. Her 3 strips of bacon are getting cold. I mean 2 strips. Sorry, 1 strip. She’ll have cereal.
Women do things I can’t even imagine doing: give birth, close cabinet doors, etc.
Man. Just strolled through a shampoo aisle. Whatever parabens did it must’ve been pretty f****d up.
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze.
Make sure you lock your car doors so no one steals your half empty water bottles.
The Genie granted me 1 wish and all I wanted was to be happy.
Now I live with 6 dwarves and work in a mine.
[on date]
*okay don’t let her know you’re a T-Rex*
Her: Can you pass the salt please?
Me: Crap…
There are too many movies about vampire hunters and not enough about vampire gatherers.
ONLY text me in an emergency. Like my car’s shooting flames from the trunk, one of my exes dies eventfully, or if someone thinks I’m sexy.
Just because we’ve been friends for ten years doesn’t mean I know your kids’ names.
An Optimist sees the glass as half-full.
A PEZimist fills it with candy.
So there I was standing in an art gallery quietly appreciating the work when my ex noticed me at a display and decided to approach.
She said “I suppose you like this hideous monstrosity?”
And I said, “That’s a mirror”.
Which was nice.
i always get a lock of hair on the 1st date in case she dumps me i can still scrapbook about it
Brain: Follow your heart
Heart: Go with your gut
Gut: Pick the grilled cheese
[first day as a cop]
MY PARTNER: oh shit, there’s a body in this house!
ME: yeah frank, there are bodies in all houses, that’s where people live
Seems a bit forward
Opening dryer:
Me: where’s the left sock?!
Parallel universe me: where’s the right sock?!
Other parallel universe me: extra pair again! Thank you, sock gods!
Well well well…if it isn’t the clothes I left in dryer last Sunday.