wife: Why was that guy yelling at you?
[flashback to me ignoring the “one per customer” sign]
me [with a mouthful of cheese samples] No idea
You Might Also Like
You know why I’ve never been murdered in my sleep? Because I leave a cheese plate out for murderers every night. It’s called hospitality maybe look it up sometime.
Some of y’all expect more from a retail employee than of your elected officials
Regrettably, we are forced to raise the price of our products and services due to the reason that we want to
Hit the showers. Smack a sink. Verbally assault a bathtub. Make everyone at Home Depot uncomfortable.
this independent good boy don’t need no human
“We need a new deck.”
“Why?”
“Take a guess.”
“Charlie ate all the threes again?”
“Charlie ate all the threes again.”
Me: If Captain America and The Hulk got married they could name their kid Star-Spangled Banner
Therapist: we should start meeting twice a day
I didn’t see a single avenger die when Obama was president
If I ever had an out-of-body experience I would at least insist upon an upgrade upon my return.
everything i’ve learned about megan fox and machine gun kelly has been against my will
I miss payphones. Sometimes you just wanna say hello to someone and also get hepatitis.
The best way to avoid being left with the bill when dining out with friends is by not having any friends.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
Whenever someone says they have “a thing” for me, I secretly hope it’s a pony.
Janitor (pulling a dead cat out of Hadron Collider) Here’s your problem right here.
mugger: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
me: My best friend will protect me
mugger: Haha, right-
[my dog appears spinning dual nunchucks]
My husband said he wanted complete honestly in our relationship
So I said I wanted a divorce
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
I just tried to put my coffee pot in the refrigerator. I obviously slept very well and I’m on the way to a fabulous day.
Women’s magazines:
Page 5: accept yourself for who you are
Page 8: how to lose 10lbs in 1 week
Page 12: best cake recipe
I doubt anyone’s actually “dying” from seeing a cute baby picture on FB, but we can always dream.
My kid not only replaced the toilet paper roll but put it on facing the right way, my parenting book is out this fall.
This is my daughter Amaranth, my son Sorghum, and our dog Millet. Sorry if the photo is a little — grainy.
Boom! Zing! This is free content!
If she boasts how adult coloring is therapeutic and has made her more tolerant and patient
Hide her markers
And wait…
My sister has a special type of selective hearing where she can only hear my mom announce when food is ready
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: night<3
me: goodnight stars 🙂
moon: wtf
me: sry wrongnumber
moon: whos stars
moon: who is stars
moon: answer me
How excited are you, on a scale from 1 to white woman who just found out that this dinner party has sangria?
Could you even imagine the crime rate if no one drank coffee or ate bacon.
My internet has been out for 24 hours and now my kids are moving out.
That was easy.
I avoid paying bills by yelling, ” Not it!” and throwing the envelopes back at the mail lady.