Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, we share it, right?
Me: [Using my Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
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Houston, we have a problem
Houston: new phone who dis
I just sent a text that says “we really need to talk” to everyone I know so nobody will bother me today.
“You’re auditioning for Scrooge,” the casting agent says. “No family, no one loves you—”
Batman starts clutching at the script, tearing up.
Dads are required to say PARDON ME when there’s a loud thunderclap
[castle wall]
KNIGHT: the enemy is advancing
ME: *panicking* close the gates! man your battle stations!
KNIGHT: their chariots are pulled by puppies
ME: keep the gates half open. let’s see how this plays out
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
HR: We’ve noticed a substantial amount of office supplies missing recently.
Me *wearing a 3-piece suit made of Post-It notes*: That’s odd
There’s one barista who treats me like I’m very important for whatever reason & he doesn’t let anyone else make my drink so at first I was like “Well shucks, I feel special” but now I’m like, “Is he slowly poisoning me?”
Don’t shoot until you see the whites of their eyes!!
The other side: *has jaundice wins the war*
Every time I watch Bambi I hope it will turn out differently, but I always end up drunk and covered in cool ranch doritos
If you say “anyways” instead of “anyway,” that’s alls I needs to knows abouts yous.
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
A swarm of locusts darkened the blue sky. This was my sign to finally send out my wedding thank you cards.
*grabs your ankle from a storm sewer* if your barbie doll needs a hula hoop use an onion ring
*bedtime*
Me: What does Winnie sleep in?
10: Dad… no
Me: POOJAMAS!!
10: I’ll go straight to sleep if you’ll just stop.
Emotional Fruit:
The Grapes of Wrath
The Apples of Annoyance
The Cantaloupes of Cantankerousness
The Plums of Pique
The Raspberries of Rage
The Bananas of Just Really Happy to See You
She said she loved my personality, but I was drunk and can’t remember which one I was rocking.
[BANK ROBBERY]
TELLER: The cops have you surrounded.
ROBBER *red dot zeroes in on his chest*: no no NO!
[He’s taken out by dozens of cats]
Someone just replied to a group text from 2019 and managed to confuse the whole neighborhood
Netflix: Do you want to watch this movie now?
Me: I have a social event that I’m already late for
Netflix: Oh ok
Me: No I mean put it on
It’s funny how humans are so picky about sex partners and dogs are all, “that smells about right”
no wonder people are such suckers for pyramid schemes because grade school taught us that if you sold $200 worth of stuff you’d get a free jump rope and we just thought that was the best deal
I’m not a good fit for the traditional job market because my greatest strengths are challenging authority, being self-righteous, and wanting to go home
In case you needed to hear it:
I’m a mom so that means I have to clean the shower while I’m taking one.
How the Grinch Stole Christmas (1966): A hermit living within his means is ultimately corrupted by the power of consumerism.
I broke up with my high school girlfriend because I’m a nerd and she was a cheerleader, we were just wrong for each other. Also I never asked her out or even spoke to her, poor girl didn’t even know I existed.
No thanks, Mr. Easter Bunny.
I have plenty of dying eggs.
[god designing humans]
Angel: there was a mix-up at the factory. The intestines are way too long
God: *stuffing em all in there* I got this
I’m not gullible enough to be lured into a cult but I am nosy enough