ADVERSARY: I’ll beat you at your own game
ME: so crying is competitive now?!
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My 15 year old dishwasher finally kicked the bucket today. So my husband said, “Well at least now I know what you’re getting for Valentine’s Day.” YALL.
[cute guy approaches at bar]
Him: Hey can I…
Me: [blushing] Yes?
Him: Can I get a pic of you for my mom? You look just like my grandpa.
Therapist: do u communicate with your kids?
Me: my son stays in his room all day & never speaks
Therapist [looks at notes]: the 5 week old?
Finally a chicken taxidermy curiosity for the rest of us!
“I may not be a “pilot” or know anything about “flying”, but here’s how I’d land this baby…”
– what teachers hear when parents tell them how to run their classrooms
Him: I hope I die first.
Her: Aww you can’t live without me?
Him: I don’t wanna deal with the paperwork.
Me: maybe we should let it live
Captain Ahab: *turning harpoon on me* what?
Me: uh I-I just don’t think this obsession is worthwhale
Ahab: …ha
Me: haha
Ahab: hahaha worthWHALE oh jeez
Me: haha whew *realizing I’m bleeding* when did you shoot
Ahab: oh like immediately
I need a note so I can get out of having sex with my husband.
Gynecologist: …
-I heard this dog was chipped.
-Microchipped sir.
-I don’t care how small the chip is, I’m not paying full price.
Mean Girls 2020: “Gross, isn’t that the mask you wore yesterday?”
shark tooth fairy: *throwing fins up in the air* I quit
I bought some Velcro shoes so that nobody can make fun of my velcro wallet anymore because now they will match
I just heard an economist say she believes a lot of people have “pent up savings” from the pandemic like she’s never heard of Amazon.
Why is it called a backhanded compliment and not a slampliment?
Everything happening on Twitter now is a lot easier to understand if you‘ve ever had a younger sibling that invented a game and added a new rule every time they started losing.
The more I get to know people, the more I realize why Noah only let animals on the boat.
Did I break my fitbit record? yes
Did my kid take over wearing it halfway through the day? also yes
No one has more false hope than my Fitbit when I get off the couch.
american companies transporting deadly chemicals anywhere
Me: there’s nothing I wouldn’t do for my child. I would walk through the fires of hell and back for him
Son: can we go to the park?
Me: no, it’s raining a little bit
Yes I carry a briefcase chained to my wrist in the airport. No one is stealing my travel cheese.
Apparently not checking the mail is not a valid excuse for not paying your bills. The more you know.
[First person to ride a horse]
‘I’m going to sit on that thing and I don’t care how angry it gets.’
My 4 year-old now hides from me in the bathroom so l can’t stop him from chewing his nails.
This really upsets me because that was my hiding spot.
[SETI receives extraterrestrial signal from 95 light years away]
[scientist decodes message in the signal]
“enough…with…the…Harambe…jokes”
[at funeral]
FRIEND: I’m sorry for your loss
ME: Thanks, I would have won our fantasy league if my QB didn’t get injured
FRIEND: I meant for your wife
ME: It’s ok, now she’ll never know I lost
Thinking about getting real into bonsai trees. It seems like an expensive hobby that I’ll lose interest in almost immediately, which is right in my wheelhouse
My husband is out w/friends & I’m at home w/the kids. I’m going to sprinkle Legos under the covers on his side of the bed.
Hendrix didn’t need to twerk on stage. He performed the old fashioned way, relying only on his musical talents and near lethal doses of LSD.
not a day goes by that i don’t think about dying and then accidentally getting sent to squirrel heaven