my new app automatically cuts wifi access to your teen’s phone if they are in the bathroom over 10min
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“Aboot a half kilometer up the road.”
“Thank you.”
“Just past the Tim’s on your left.”
“Much appreciated.”
“My pleasure, eh.”
PIERRE GASLY WHAT IS THIS ????
[During sex]
Her: That fan of yours is loud and distracting
Me: It helps me in bed
Fan: *clapping approvingly* Yeah bro WORK THOSE HIPS
as a kid, there really wasn’t anything I wanted to be when i grew up. and boy have i nailed it.
I am a genie. I grant you three wi—
Me: ONE GOOD TWEET!!
haven’t gone back to the gym since i kept using my phone and someone asked me if it’s fingers day
UPS delivery tracking is like “your shipment is on a truck which is currently parked next to your house. Estimated delivery is 9 days from now.”
I always wonder if dogs secretly hate playing fetch. If they’re like “these idiot humans keep losing their sticks & it’s up to me to go find them”
I just found out my dad carries around my 4YO’s toy car with him. When he feels stressed or sad, he reaches into his pocket and holds it. I’m teary-eyed thinking about how my child’s object brings my father comfort, but damn, we’ve been looking for that.
Threw my garbage in the dumpster noticed I didn’t have my wallet. After looking everywhere, I fished out the garbage bag with an ice scraper. Found my wallet in the garbage but my keys fell in. After considerable more effort I have my keys. And I’ve only been outside 20 mins!
most whales are bigger than a strawberry
I tried being the bigger person but all it got me was type 2 diabetes.
Received this car text from my wife, and I quote: “Hey Siri text I am on my way mommy mommy mommy HOLD ON!”
Save time on divorce paperwork, and just hand the judge your phone.
I just saw a pizza delivery guy get in a terrible accident. I feel so bad. Someone’s just sitting around, wondering where their pizza is.
Having a tea party is fun until your daughter tells you that she got the water from the toilet
cats: you just cleaned this box, i must use it
dogs: I can’t use a clean area, I must go where everyone has gone before me
I spent a solid 10 minutes lecturing my kid about not writing on the couch with a pen and she said “It’s a marker not a pen.”
Me handing out pamphlets in front of church: “Have you heard the good news?”
Passer-by: “Sorry. I’m Jewish”
*Me wondering why everyone keeps telling me their religion instead of taking my pamphlet detailing how I finally got laid last night: “That’s cool too, I guess.”
“Always give your food a rinse before you eat it,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made terrible sandwiches.
hey idiots you don’t have to go back in time to kill hitler he’s already dead
I have Tourettes syndrome, but instead of swearing, I yell out movies that Nicolas Cage has been in
The Welsh language was invented by a dad losing at Scrabble.
I saved time doing yard work by renaming the weeds “plants”
This is my first Apocalypse, I don’t know what to wear.
If someone acts shocked that you haven’t read a certain book, the best response you can give them is, “Yeah, I heard it sucks”
Went to the doctor for my lower back pain and he diagnosed me with being 42.
“amateurs”
~ Mick Jagger browsing duck lip selfies
my nudist neighbours are moving away and selling everything and I’m thinking the washer and dryer will be worth a look