If the Amish don’t use curse words, how does Amish Tourette’s sound?
“Beards!”
“Churning Butter!”
“Bonnets!”
You Might Also Like
*first date*
Guy: I like a girl who’s good with money
Me: the city will bury you for FREE if they can’t identify your body
“what if your employer sees how embarrassing you are on twitter” sir my employer sees first-hand how embarrassing i am every day
“Let’s walk over there” “ok” -couple a cows
I get more excited seeing my luggage on a baggage carousel than I do seeing a person I know.
What is this alien looking thing in a wig trying to sing?
Oh wait thats Nicki Minaj.
Why would an alien in a wig pick Nicki Minaj as a name?
I’ve retired from twitter to devote more time to being an email unsubscriber.
Doctor: “You are gonna hear the pitter-patter of tiny feet.”
Kim: “I’m pregnant?!”
Doc: “No-”
*a tiny monkey walks in*
“This is my nurse.”
Me: did you like that movie?
Toddler: yeah but we better watch it 3 times a day for the next month just to be sure.
Me: Whats wrong babe?
Her: Nothing.
Me:*Pauses DVD of Shrek 2 that Ive had on a loop since losing my job* No somethings wrong I can tell.
If you tell a sob story on American Idol they pick you, so it’s like Twitter
Relax, this is my emotional support knife.
friend: why are you crying?
me: I’m having trouble dealing my grandma’s passing
grandma: *slinging a football at my head* just catch it, nerd
How come I have to do all this work and you do nothing all day?
– my 8yo while doing one chore
Just remember someone actually thinks your ex is being sincere right now
I’m looking at old yearbooks and for the first time I’m questioning whether my classmates really meant “You’re crazy” as a compliment.
The best part about pooping with the door open is seeing the faces of everyone in the elevator.
It finally happened. A real human asked me to write an obit that stated “he died doing what he loved” and it took everything in me to keep my shit together about that.
The mother went through her daughter phone and the lil boy her daughter was texting just went off on the mom 😂 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
What even happened today?
I’m concerned that some of you are experts in your fields of employment.
Microdosing being a pigeon by delivering a letter.
When cannibals fall for one another, that’s chew love
texting my crush “hey infant” instead of baby so they know i’m smart and regularly use my thesaurus
Life hack: If your FIL ever says, “Stop me if I’ve told you this,” take him up on it.
[heaven]
IAN: I only regret the things I didn’t do
ME: Me too
I: Like, I didn’t swim with dolphins. You?
M: I didn’t stop poking a bear
If you say married people aren’t having sex, you have obviously never sat in a hotel bar & watched them pick up strangers.
I assume when I get put on hold after I call customer service it’s because 2 guys are flipping a coin to see who pretends to be the manager.
If you say “anyways” instead of “anyway,” that’s alls I needs to knows abouts yous.
[doing a crossword]
friend: what’s a 9 letter word for phony
me: baby horse
friend: no like fake
me: unicorn jr
If you work on a farm and your job is to take care of chickens, you are a chicken tender.