jingle bell.
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
rock.– looking for shells on the north pole beach
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The Constitution says nothing about it being illegal for cats to carry firearms and this worries me immensely.
wife: “what on earth are you doing?”
me: “making a penguin”
wife: “that’s a pigeon”
me: [opening freezer door] “not for long”
Drew blood trying to take a sexy lip bite pic and now I’m on vampire twitter. So, bye, I guess.
“so doc… am I dying?”
“we’re all dying, just at different speeds”
“but what about me”
“You’re like, the Usain Bolt of dying dude lmao”
I often think about the time my ex thought I was cheating on him with a craft store
I work out by ordering a small drink at Burger King, then get up 100 times to refill it.
ME: Whoa, these people are hardcore Goths
CORONER: How many times do I have to tell you that they’re corpses, you’re looking at corpses
Me: We spend a lot of time together.
Her: Turn left.
Me: Just think we should take this to the next level.
Her: Arriving at destination.
Ad: Buy junk food.
Me: OK.Ad: Buy alcohol.
Me: OK.Ad: Work out.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
They really need to stop naming hospitals after dead people.
Give us some hope.
kevin is now a local weatherman
Me: I’d like to return this
Customer Service: this is the missing mop from the janitor’s room
Me: ya it sucks
To prepare yourself for having a kid: Every night before bed say to your phone “Siri, Set an alarm. Surprise me.”
Got drunk and did my taxes, i am getting back 1 zillion dollars, 2 slaves, and somehow the state of Rhode Island, this can’t be right.
dr frankenstein: it’s alive!
igor: great! what should we name him
dr frankenstein: uh we won’t
igor: idk might lead to some confusion
dr frankenstein: it will literally never come up
Me: *joins a throw pillow of the month club*
Husband: *cries*
Since I’m not a doctor, my Indian mom is rage thanking the medical professionals
Sweet dreams are made of cheese. Who am I to diss a brie. I cheddar the world and the feta cheese.
I don’t tell many people this, but I have been known to carry a shiv.
Okay, it’s the underwire in my bra and the only one getting stabbed is me, but still.
Never forget.
Every Christmas I buy my niece and nephew something that has to be assembled, because watching my pissed off brother struggle to put it together is my Christmas.
Before you call me, ask yourself, “Can I text it?”
Before you text me, ask yourself, “Can I email it?”
Before you email me, ask yourself, “Can I just think it really, really hard?”
My boss accidentally muted himself on this zoom meeting 20 minutes ago and none of us have told him
You: Help! I’ve been shot!
Me (remembering a time I poked a hole in the side of my cup o’ noodles with a fork but held my finger over it to stop the broth from leaking while I ate): I can help.
A Quiet Place was the WRONG movie to sneak kettle chips into.
I’ve been making my own bread every single day for two weeks now and I finally understand why people always look so miserable in historic photos.
Day 65: My dog still insists on acting happy to see people despite my example and training
For $600 and a box of Little Debbie snacks, I’ll smuggle you into Ireland where you can live out your days with a bog witch of your choosing.
Searched Walmart app for frozen calamari. They said “No can do. Could we offer you some…”