FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh, guess who’s awoken the tickle monster?
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What’s that? You want to hear my impression of an owl that repeats itself?
Well I couldn’t give two hoots.
I want an HGTV show called “How Do You Like Your Open Concept Now?”
I’m pretty sure my little brother exists only because I got too old to be my mama’s remote control.
Canadians leaving south for vacation are like Americans escaping marriage, desperately trying to escape frigid temperatures…
He died doing what he loved, my now ex-wife
This wouldn’t be taking so long if they used the metric system for counting.
God making Khaki
God: I want a material that can be dressed up or dressed down
Angel: Nice!
G: But it shows every pee drip
A: Hilarious!
if i was a conductor of an orchestra, i would abuse my power by making them warm up to a stirring rendition of “ice, ice, baby.”
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
Hey women, save your money, we just want you wrapped in a bow for Christmas. Wait, don’t even worry about buying the bow.
Converstion would go :-
Tourist: G’day, can you tell me which way is Bondi Beach
Airport employee: Certainly. Its that way (points in a SE direction)
Tourist: Is it walkable distance?
Aiport employee: Not really
Tourist: Why!!?!?!
Airport employee: You’re in Austria
Are iPads supposed to be red with two white knobs on the bottom?
“yeah that IS strange they only filled the fries and shakes halfway” I say about the food I brought home for my kids.
happy valentine’s day to me
2008: Busy, trying to balance work and home life.
2018: Busy watching a video of a lemon rolling down the street.
For Halloween I’m just going to put these on and lay down under a house.
I would love to be British. Drinking my leaf water and staring at a huge clock from my red phone booth, adding extra letters to wourds.
Alan Rickman lost in the woods, leaving a trail of perfectly pronounced words
IKEA is fine if you don’t mind assembling furniture in 18 steps and realizing you made a mistake in step 3.
If you want your friends to stop asking you to work out with them, go once. Show up in leather. Bring your workout cake.
My wife’s fish net stockings are so tight that my legs look like wafer cookies when I take them off.
“come on there is no place safer than on the surface of an asteroid out in the middle of space what could possibly happen out here”
I once conjured a blizzard to get out of a “lunch date”.
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
My baby never smiles bigger than when she find my phone left unlocked.
I love when I wake up to sunshine and birds singing and good coffee and I think it’ll be a Disney day but then I open Twitter and realize I’m only in act one of a horror movie
My long legs mean I can emerge gracefully from an SUV. After that, every step looks like I was just released from a zero gravity experiment.
Husband: you’re in great condition.
Me: are you complimenting me or writing a craigslist ad?
I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words if you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone.
Bros before Ohioes