*wife walks over to me*
*cups my face with her hands*
*looks me in the eye*“Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?”
You Might Also Like
scientist: I’m gonna watch people sleep and count how many spiders they eat in a year
me, to my wife: calm down and smile more
Stockbroker: *rubbing bridge of nose* that’s not what I meant by ‘take risks’
We only teach “stop, drop and roll” to put out fire but honestly if you do it in pretty much any social situation it will also stop that.
if any of u nasty little cretins were even the least bit curious where i’m at right now i just tried to wipe a couple raindrops off my phone so they wouldn’t show up in a screenshot i was taking
Flowers die, my love, so instead I shall give you a bouquet of Keith Richards.
Ironically when you cut your own hair the bar for success is not looking like you cut your own hair.
When someone asks me why I’m leaving the party early, I say “I’m late for an appointment with my pajamas.”
I tried to forgive and forget but I forgot who I forgave.
dads when they smell someone in the neighborhood grillin’
7 A.M.: I will only eat the wholesome low-calorie whole grain cereal with skim milk.
MIDNIGHT: Where are the chocolates? I must have more chocolates!
Rather than trying to “change” your passwords, accept them for their imperfections and they will grow stronger than you can possibly imagine
Does your cat do that thing where he refuses to eat the stale bowl bikkies so you take the bowl up to the kitchen counter and shake it around a bit and then they think you’ve swapped it out for fresh bikkies and they happily crunch it up ehehehe what a tiny idiot
My sarcasm will 100% get me killed one day. Someone could hold a knife to my throat and i’d probably say “what are you gonna do, stab me?”
[checking bag at the airport]: yes, that is indeed a bag
Adrenaline Junky:
*Almost falls to certain death*
WHAT A RUSH!!Me:
*Almost drops grilled cheese sandwich*
SAMESIES!!
Hey girl, do you like bad boys? *tries to look cool by flicking my cig, but it’s an e-cig so I have to run and get it*
“Oh, that shirt had buttons.”–me, at bath time right after I pull my kid’s head off
[first day as producer]
superstar rapper: THAT’S THE 87TH TIME YOU’VE STOPPED ME
me: *tapping swear jar with pencil*
The low whispered oinking of the haunted ham awakens you at 4am, the hamming hour.
Doughnut boxes advertise “ZERO TRANS FAT” as if anyone buying a box of doughnuts cares about the nutritional content.
The 70’s were tough. My dad would kick my ass if I died from a peanut allergy.
My wife acts like she wants to have sex, but then we don’t. I googled it, it’s called cuddling.
I was misbehaving during family game night. So now I’m in Solitaire confinement.
My toddler climbed out of her crib and my first thought was “Why don’t they make some kind of lid or attachment for the top of these things?”
Then I realized thaaaaat’s a cage.
I always feel bad for seedless watermelon because what if they wanted to have babies.
video games where you have to repair your gun or like change the oil in your motorcycle or whatever can take a damn hike. there’s plenty of tedium in my actual life–i wanna chainsaw a mutant in half, not fold virtual laundry.
Nothing like accidentally setting fire to your hair at work to make you feel alive
Boys are cute how they’re all “I like girls that don’t wear heavy makeup” and “get down from that tree near my window or I’ll call the cops”
I’ll be so happy when 2020 is over in a few years
It’s wild how I barely notice the flavor of a cucumber when I bite into one, but when I taste an “infused” water I’m like BY JOVE, A CUCUMBER’S BEEN HERE I’D BET MY LIFE ON IT.