Atheists are Popeless romantics.
You Might Also Like
Therapist: What’s your earliest memory?
Me: Crying to my mom when I couldn’t find my shoes
Therapist: So around what, five?
Me: Seven this morning
I’m 6 doughnuts away from being the elephant in the room.
It’s not procrastination if I never had any intention of doing it in the first place.
I just want to retire to Ireland and eat fish & chips every day, is that too much to ask?
My bank account: Yes
The Queen is crazy if she thinks I’m going to wait until February
[ordering cake over phone]
“and what would you like the cake to say?”
[covers phone to ask wife]
“do we want a talking cake?”
I used to be married to an active, vibrant, happy young woman who decided one day to hang a bird feeder in the back yard, and now I’m married to a glassy-eyed, unwashed maniac that stands at the kitchen window all day screaming at squirrels.
The gym is really dead on Saturday mornings. I could tell by their empty parking lot as I was sitting in McDonald’s eating hotcakes and sausage.
Robber: give me your money
Me: this is embarrassing but I am broke
Robber: not a problem. I can loan you a 20
Me: thanks dude
Robber: no problem. Now give me your money
I told y’all leave these retail workers alone with the TikTok pranks 😭
The Heimlich maneuver doesn’t work when you choke on your own words…..I know this now
I got paprika once in 2002 to make deviled eggs and apparently I bought a lifetime supply.
(Indian wedding)
White friend: OMG that’s so spicy!Me: First of all, it’s a glass of water.
Shout out to all the dormant volcanoes out there, just chillin’, keepin’ that magma to themselves and whatnot.
Beware of the “party goblin”…
“ANYWAY” — me when I’m about to keep talking about the thing I’ve been talking about for the last ten minutes
Anyone else’s spine sound like an accordion when they go to bend over?
No?
No one deals with rejection more than Internet Explorer requesting to be your default browser..
Me: how do I get one of those singing groups?
Director: you mean a choir?
Me: *exasperated sigh* yes fine, how do I acquire one of those singing groups?
Why can’t I track the Grubhub driver AFTER he’s given me my food? What if I want to make sure he gets home okay
Pretty sure Dora goes on crazy adventures with a monkey because her mom is on Twitter.
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
If you boil a funny bone does it then become a laughing stock.
So many Jesus accounts…and not one is verified
Ruffles? Oh you mean the corduroy chips?
in lieu of flowers call my wife and pretend to be me from beyond the grave. my d.o.b. is 5/24 and my mom’s name is kathy.
hollywood loves making white people on tv eat chinese food directly from the container with chopsticks they can’t use so they just poke the food
Stranger: I’m calling from inside the house.
Me: *screams* Wait, do I have a landline?
こいつ天才